A new life

A new life

 

I don't know where to begin...

 

Have you ever had a moment where you stop and realize that you've made poor choices in your life and it's time to make things right, mend your mistakes, soothe your soul and make lifetime changes?

 

I've had that moment and I've realized that I don't like the person I am.  I don't like how I've hurt the people I love, how badly I've made mistakes that have drastically impacted my life and my marriage. 

 

How do I make amends?  How do I live with myself?  How do I make it right?  How do I prove myself worthy? 

 

Well, my friends, the answer lies in each of us.  We all have that power to make things right.  I don't care what position you have in life, you are not perfect and neither am I.  You might not have made life changing mistakes, but I guarantee you've made mistakes. 

 

We each have the power to overcome challenges, make things right to those we have wronged.  How do you live with the shame?  Well, you sweep away your ashes you've left behind and ignite that fire again.

 

You have the will power to do anything if you make the decision to do the right things.  What are the right things?  For each person they are different.  Mine are different than yours.  Yours are different than your friend.  You know what your principles are, what you believe in.  You know when you have stepped over the line. 

 

So, I challenge you to light your fire, keep the flame glowing and start your life anew this Easter week.  Easter represents a lot of things, but in general it represents a rebirth, a renewed spirit.  A new beginning.  So, take this opportunity as I am and start anew.

 

I don't consider the New Year a new beginning.  I consider Easter more of a time for a new beginning.  We celebrate the crucifixion of Jesus and loudly rejoice in His risen self.  He died for our sins, each and every one of you.  He died to make things new for us.  We have this chance, we have this power and we have this remarkable gift to use each and every time we fall down.

 

You, my mysterious friend, have my love and my support.  I pray your life will be as you set it out to be.  Your mistakes forgiven, and your ability to start anew.  I have faith in you!

 

I am Debbie and I was here...



Gratitude Journal

 

Gratitude Journal

 

The Sister Missionaries were over today for craft day, which by the way, I LOVE!!!  Anyway, usually they give me a short message and off they run, but today they did something a bit different.  They made me a Gratitude Journal.  I was so touched by their thoughtfulness and sharing their own gratitude for things in their lives I became aware that I needed to be a bit more grateful for the things I have and to stop taking for granted the people in my life and the things in my life.  By saying 'things' I'm not necessarily talking about materialistic things.  Things like my testimony, the rain, the rainbow and then there are those basic necessities we all need, which is clothes, food, heat, water and air to breath.

 

In my beautiful new little Gratitude Journal each Sister Missionary wrote 3 things they were grateful for about me.  One Sister wrote "Her laugh always brightens my day", that same sister also wrote, "I'm grateful for her candy bowl on days that I'm craving chocolate". 

 

Another Sister from how she loves my creativity and how I can turn anything into something beautiful.  Well, I don't know about that last part, but I like the creativity part.  The last Sister wrote something that really caught me off guard and she said "So Open to share your life experiences with us to teach us by example".

 

Isn't that the truth!  We all learn by example.  We learn from our parents, siblings, friends, actors/actresses, politicians, religious leaders, and many other type of people.  The world is full of examples.  Some are excellent and beautiful and then there are those that are dark, quiet and deeply distant.

 

 

 

So, let me say my three things I'm grateful for today:

 

                   1.  I'm grateful for my children!

                   2.  I'm so grateful for the Sister Missionaries who have crossed paths with me and my craft room.  These young women have taught me so much about life, God and love.  Their selfless service is remarkable and I just love getting to know each of them!

                   3.  I'm grateful for my grandchildren; Cassie, Sophie, Emma and little Gabe!  They keep me alive and young!

 

Finding gratitude brings us out of the "me, me, me, me" stage and more into the "you, you, you, you" place.  Gratitude brings love and light into your world.  Being Grateful for things in your life, the people in it will make you appreciate them even more.  It will open up your eyes to an arena that you've never stepped into before and it will transform you.  I promise, by doing this simple thing every night, it will transform you. 

 

You will see things through cleaner and clearer glasses.  You will love deeper, hold onto things tighter and fight for what's right in your life.  Some day you might just be grateful that you treated yourself to a quarter pounder (that's my weakness).  But, then there will be those days when the dirt hits the pavement and your gut is aching so bad where you will truly see what your grateful for and WHY!

 

Do we really need to know why?  Maybe not, but for me I would like to know why I'm grateful for that person or thing.  That just might help you weed out the thorns in your bushes that you thought you were grateful for, but once you really thought about it you didn't really like them or it.  So, the result is to get rid of it and that can be a totally cleansing process, which will feel so good to dump that garbage off your back. 

 

I've done that, that's why I can talk about it.  It feels so good to get things off your shoulders.  Unnecessary things in your life, or people that don't value you or have any real purpose in your life.  I mean it's nice being cordial to the bank teller, but you don't have to make her your best friend. 

 

Lastly, I can't say this enough.  When you find what your grateful for, you appreciate that person or thing so much more.  You won't want to hurt it, harm it, break it, destroy it or damage it.  You will want to protect it, love it and give it a safe haven in your heart. 

 

So, now that I've shared what I'm grateful for, what are you grateful for?  I challenge each of you to create your own gratitude journal and each day at the end of the day write down three things you are grateful for that you experienced or that you are grateful for.  Good luck on your Gratitude Journal and I hope you take this journey with me.

 

I am Debbie and I was here...

 

 

 

 

 

Coming Out

 

 

Coming Out

 

It appears that I'm finally finding my way out of that deep, dark hole I was in.  This one wasn't easy as part of it was the  new medication I was given.  Plus it didn't help that I was missing a dose of another one for a week.  The combination was almost deadly.  So, deadly I begged Victor to take me to the hospital.

 

Now, I'm not an advocate for the psych ward at the hospital.  I feel they don't do you any good, except keep you safe and I didn't feel safe.  Victor, however, watched me like a mama hawk and I came through, but came through with a few battle scars.

 

Part of my stress in the past several months is Victor's unemployment status. We are at 6 months now and it appears there may be some light at the end of this dark hole.  A spot I can climb out of. Maybe a job offer coming our way, with it a new move. 

 

My hip has been acting up pretty quickly and I'm finding it hard again to walk.  I need to call my hip surgeon today and get an appointment to get another shot in the hip. Hopefully that helps.  It popped out of place 3 times yesterday and that is so painful.

 

We got the new movie Exodus, the movie about Moses and setting the slaves free.  I don't recommend it.  The Ten Commandments with Charleston Heston is the bomb and I found myself constantly comparing movies.  There are just some movies that should be left alone.

 

There's another one out called A.D. that might be worth watching.  It's about the life of the disciples after the death of Jesus.  I think I would redbox that first before I buy it, I wish I had done that with Exodus. It would of saved us 30.00.

 

That about sums up the past few days.  Resting my hip today.  We were out most of the day yesterday running errands and that certainly didn't help my hip any.  So, today is a "take it easy day".  I love these type of days!

 

I am Debbie and I was here...

 



The Dark Hole

 

The Dark Hole

 

 

It has been some time since my last post and I've really haven't had anything to write about.  My last post was about my excitement over my new medication being reduced, but what I intentionally didn't mention is just how difficult it is to change a medication regime.

 

I happen to be in week one of my new sleeping pill switch and I've been a crying, anxiety driven mess all week.  It will usually take a person's body 2-3 weeks to adjust to the change and that is why most major medication adjustments happen in a hospital psychiatric ward, so they can be monitored.  Me, I'm tough.  I've been through it before and I can do it again, right....wrong.

 

I'm ready to call it in.  Pack my bags and head to the hospital.  I can't keep putting Victor through this madness .  I just finished week 1.  There is a very strong possibility that the medication just isn't working for my system, or that I was taking my other one for over 20+ years and it's going to be a big major change.  One, I'm not sure I want to go through.

 

My depression deepens and this post is about the dark halls of depression.  My mind, body and spirit are on this journey down a long dark, dusty hall filled with many closed doors that have been closed for what seems like centuries.  Dust covers their doorknobs and cobwebs adorn their frames.  I tiptoe through the hall, hoping not to disturb anyone, but who am I disturbing, it's obvious no one lives there. 

 

I rattle about hall after hall searching for some light and never finding any.  This house is never-ending and it's halls are dark, big, and scary.  Are there pictures of the walls?  Some, maybe my ancestor's died before me in the thrones of the deepest of despair.

 

My body is heavy laden and each step becomes harder than the first.  I struggle to stay standing erect and all I want to do is sleep, but there are no beds to be seen.  I walk the halls until my body is so crusted in dust I can no longer walk and so I find a cozy little corner that at one time must have been very beautiful.  With it's deep carvings and rich mahogany color, I find solice there and rest my weary feet.

 

I must of fallen asleep, finally some sleep, but my body still feeling heavy knows I must push on and find the light.  I must escape this darkness I am surrounded in.  I get up and trip. What did I trip on?  An old wooden toy, so children use to be here. This use to be a happy place.  I find hope in finding some light.

 

I stumble for what seems like hours and I feel like I'm going in circles, so I start marking my spots on the walls of dust where I have been.  I finally come to what appears to be a kitchen, but it's full of knives everywhere.  Hanging from the ceiling, laying on the floor, on the countertops and in the drawers.  Nothing but knives.  I know these knives, they were once my friend long ago when I would use them on my body to release all the pain bottled up inside of me.  Yes, I remember that so vividly now.  This room gives me peace, peace from the dark, musty halls.  It brings to mind a new hope, a release of pain and maybe I can find that light now.

 

Traveling onward pass the knives I spot a glow in the hallway.  I run to it as fast as my dust covered legs will take me and as I opened up the door just ajar I see a woman in her 30's holding a baby and cooing it to sleep.  I must be dreaming, why would this beautiful woman be in such a dark and dreary home, and with a baby!  My mind is playing tricks on me and I know now I am dying and must find my way to the light fast.  I'm sinking further and further into that big deep dark hole.

 

 

 

 

 

I can see the light around it, but it's out of my reach.  Just as I'm falling in, I wake up. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, I'm awake from this horrible dream, but how horrible is it and how true is it really about?

 

This past week has been so hard, one of the hardest I can remember in a long time and I suppose that's because I haven't had a medication adjustment in many, many years.  It is playing havoc on my mind and my body. I know I have to give it another 2 weeks, but I'm in hell and Victor is coming down with me.  He certainly doesn't need this added stress upon him.  He needs to find a job and that has to be his many focus right now, not picking me off the bathroom floor sobbing like a little child. 

 

No, I'm not crazy and no I've not changed!  I'm just going through a medication adjustment that might not be working to my benefit.  This is normal, but feels like torture.  I feel like I'm going out of my mind and at times wish I could pull my hair out by it's roots all at the same time.  The pressure in my head is unbearable at times and the constant crying is getting on everyone's nerves. 

 

I'll be ok, I always am, but in the meantime I need gentle hugs and love.  Gentle I'm thinking of you.  Gentle you mean something  to me.  I love you wouldn't hurt either.  Support is what I'm asking for and If I behave out of line or out of character, don't turn your back and walk away.  Try to give a hug and say it's OK. 

 

I am Debbie and I was here...



I am WOMAN!

 

 

I am WOMAN!

 

 

I loved this so much off of facebook that I thought I would write a post about it.

 

1. I am strong - I know all of my weaknesses and I try to correct them as quickly as I can.  I am trying hard not to make the same mistakes over and over again.
2. I am compassionate - Compassion come from suffering, so true.  In order to be compassionate you must have gone through some pretty horrible stuff.  I know I did and I'm a very compassionate person.

   
3. I am alive - Because I am a fighter!  I'll never stop fighting for things I believe in and things I love.  I'll never give up on love ones again and I will always fight for what's right!

   
4. I am wise - In order to be wise, you have to have done some pretty foolish mistakes.  Some of those mistakes might have been big ones, or maybe small ones. Nevertheless, through your foolish errors, you become very wise, because you've experienced many things and done many things.  Some foolish and other not so foolish.

   
5. I can laugh - Because I've known sadness. Oh, I love this one as it pertains to me so much it's scary.  It seems my life has been all about sadness, but I'm still laughing away.  They key to the sadness is to let it go.  It's in the past, let it stay there.  Once you can do that, you can laugh!

   
6. I can love - Because I've known loss.  WOW, this one is a whopper (no not a hamburger).  Loss is a mighty force to be reckoned with.  You can't understand the pure power of Love until you have lost something so dear to you it breaks your heart into.  It doesn't necessarily have to be someone, it could be something or some incident out of your control.  For me, my loss has been great.  The loss of my Daddy and the loss of my youngest daughter.  I've lost in a deeply hurtful divorce.  I've lost when I've lost jobs.  I've lost when I've miscarried.  I think you get the idea.  Going through such tragedy gives us the ability to see love just by going through these type and other trials.  We have to know pain, before we can know joy!

   
7. I am a strong woman - YES, I AM!  I'm strong because of all the reason mentioned above.  Life has an amazing capacity of teaching lessons without us know about it.  We may think that miscarrying a child is so deeply gut wrenching, but it's life teaching us about suffering, pain, rage, despair, loss of hope for starting over, and loss.  I have weathered the storms of life and I LOVE TO DANCE IN THE RAIN!  I can't tell you enough how much I love the rain.  Rain makes me homesick for my beloved Portland, OR home, where I lived 37 years and raised my 3 wonderful children.  I miss the rain, miss the smell, miss the freshness in it, miss the cleanliness it brings to the earth (not to mention the cars), and the plain fact that it's nature's way of watering the animals and plant life.  Yes, rain to some is horrible and depressing. For me it makes me alive!

   

 

I am Debbie and I was here...

 

 



 



The cost of Medication

 

The cost of medication

 

 

 

Since 2001 I have been taking a cocktail of Bi-polar/Anti-Depression medication/Sleeping pills and anxiety medication.  At one time I was taking 15 different medications at one time.  All were needed for something and making them all balance was a nightmare.

 

Now it's 2015 and pharmaceutical companies have come a long way in making medications better, better preforming, better lifespan and much better cost for the end user. 

 

If you have Bi-Polar and are heavily medicated like I was for so many years, then your Bi-polar is in control of you, you are not in control at all.  This is not good!

 

As you grow through the years and learn more about the disease and find a doctor/therapist you are comfortable with you can really start some good work and with the hope that you can eventually get off most of your medication.  That is a sign of a healthy mental person.  They will probably always need medication,  maybe 1 or 2, but not 15.

 

I currently take 11 psychiatric medications.  All do different things.  One is a sleeping pill.  One is for the bi-polar itself.  One is for my panic attacks/anxiety.  And the other 3 when taken together work as a team to fight depression.

 

Well, I had a doctor appointment today and we talked about reducing my medication.....HOOOOOORRRRRAAAAYYYY!  Hooray for me!  What an awesome sign this shows me, that I'm rational, logical, not mouthy, brassy or down right mean.  I'm almost normal in a bi-polar world.

 

First step is to get my sleeping under control, so we are switching my sleeping pills.  When you take a certain medication for 14 years, it tends not to work any longer, so a new sleeping medication was in great need because right now I'm only getting about 4 hours of sleep a night.

 

 

At my next appointment in 2 weeks, we will take out the 3 anti-depression drugs and replace them with just 1 new medication.  So, that will take my total down to 4 pills a day. 

 

Now there is always a risk in changing meds, there's is setbacks, trouble getting adjusted, the medication just not working properly and then we have to play around with medication like Russian roulette. 

 

I'm hopeful and excited.  I'm stoked because it shows me how well I'm doing and how hard I've worked to get this far.  Having Bi-Polar isn't the end of your life and once you figure that part out, you're starting to get better.  If you are still using it as a crutch to make all your excuses, then you're in denial and need a lot of therapy. 

 

You can live a very productive life and have bi-polar also.  That's what I'm doing and what I plan on continuing.  Now, with medication slow down I feel the most calm I have ever felt in 14 years

 

It's hard being dependent on so many medications and each of them have their own side effects and some of the medications were to offset the side effects of this drug with this other drug.  That's when it gets ridiculous. 

 

So, my news is good for today.  I'll take it!

 

I am Debbie and I was here....



No Control

Part 2

Each day that passes I feel my control go looser and looser. I told Mallory via myspace a few days ago that I would back off, but I still have that gut wrenching feeling that I need to reach out to her.

I know have her address and her phone number, but I'm holding onto it for now. I'm pretty sure the information is correct as well, but it could be wrong and I could of end up back to square one.

I have to figure out the right timing for this and I don't feel now is it, but how did I let my daughter get control over me, rule my life and tell me when and how I can be in her and Sophie's Life.  That's not what "normal" grown-ups do in today's society.

Did I really fail her that badly?  In some areas yes, but mostly overall not!  At least I know that one in my heart and mind.  My mind is as whole as it's been in my whole life.  For instance:

I found out about a week ago that my Mom is in stage 4 renal failure and she refuses dialysis and a transplant.  When I looked it up on the internet I was shaken to the ground at the pain this poor woman will go through if she doesn't take something.  People who don't live the rest of their life miserable and in extreme pain.  I wronged her 2 years ago and stopped speaking to her.  About a week ago I called her asking for forgiveness for my actions.  Then she tells me she has stage 4 renal failure.

If I had been having episodes and falling apart at such news, yes I would of been back to the beginning where no progress was made. She was gracious to accept my apology and we pick up were we left off, loving each other and cherishing each other.  Because we never know how much longer we have with that person.

I wish Mallory was grown-up enough to realize that people do make mistakes and some of them aren't there fault. But, as long as that person apologizes remorsefully, then that person has a responsibility to at least give them a chance.

So, I still have no control, until I'm willing to make it my choice, then I'm ok with that.  

My advice to you, if there is someone in your life, doesn't have to be a relative, it could be your neighbor, a child, a friend or anyone else.  Make your peace with them TODAY! Do not let another day goes by, as in my case I now have 1 year left with my Mother and that saddens me of all the years we have lost to angry hearts. Your reconciliation will be beneficial for both of you and if you make the 1st step, good for you! You've begun the healing process by that one little phone call. It will not seem like it, but trust me, it is the first, not the last. It will take time, but what else to you have to do.  Keep the faith and say lots of prayers for people in my shoes.  Thank You!

I am Debbie and I was here.....