No Control

 

NO CONTROL...

 

I have learned in just the last few days that you have no control over anything or anyone else in your life.  The only person you can control is yourself.  I don't like it, in fact, I depise it, but again, there's nothing I can do about it.

I had no control over being put up for adoption...I had no control over being sexually abused as a child....I had no control over when my 1st husband decided to have an affair and destroy our family....I had no control over my oldest daughters decisions....I had no control over my youngest daughters downhill spiral that I learned about yesterday.

Yep, seems the dark side has her under their control and doesn't appear she isn't in control of her own life either.  My heart aches for her greatly, I grieved for her all day and all night, crying my eyes out after what I learned.  Despite all my efforts to make amends and reach out to her, she has chosen a dangerous path and like in everything else....I have no control....

I have seen her give her own control away to men that weren't worthy of her.  I've seen those men/boys destroy her heart and abuse her in ways that makes a mother cringe.  I've watched this child of mine from a far suffer, and suffer and suffer and still refuses my love.  I have no control over that, and furthermore, I don't understand why.  Why won't she let me in?  I am not the monster she thinks I am.  She has been fed these lies for years to the point that she now believes in them and I have no control in changing any of it. 

Her  happiness is all I want and she is not happy.  How can she be in the current circumstances she is under.  My heart just aches and aches for her and all I want to do is put my arms around her and love her.  Not speak a word, just hold her.  But, that won't ever happen because I have no control.

Because I have no control and because I know she is a grown woman able to make her own choices, even if they are dangerous and bad.  I have to let that happen.  I have to allow her to make those mistakes, even if her very life is at risk.  Because I have no control.  I have to sit back and watch my child take herself down a drain and there's only one path and it's down. 

I have no control.....I'm afraid, scared, worried, sad, heartbroken, and I'm the only one on her side.  Her siblings and most certainly her father think differently.  They say she made her bed, now she has to live with the consequences.  I agree with that to an extent, but do I have to watch my own daughter kill herself?  She has burned her bridges with every member in the family that going back to them is probably not possible.  But, not with me.  Never with me.  I'll always be here for her.  My heart will always be open to her and Sophie.  I would do anything and everything to help her, shelter her, take care of her daughter, anything to make her healthy again.  Why?  Why after all the pain she has pushed on me, because I have no control over my deep love for her. 

I am her mother and mother's never give up on their children.  At least, I don't and I won't.  I refuse.  Someday, I WILL get through to her.  Why?  Because I will not give up on her.  I will not.

I have no control, this is true....but I'm not going to let it stop me from saving my daughter.

I am Debbie and I was here...

 

 

The Oldest

 

I've talked about My son and my youngest daughter, now let's talk about my oldest, Meagan.

 

Meagan has grown to be a beautiful, sweet, extremely smart woman.  Anything she puts her mind to, she does it and she does it to perfection.

 

 

 

Just look at that face.  The cutest little girl around, but I'm biased.  But, all my kids were cute and adorable.  At this age my favorite story was when she was helping me cook chicken for dinner and somewhere she found a popcorn kernel and just by happenstance shoved it up her nostril. 

 

She thought it was cute, at first and so did I, until we couldn't get that darn thing out.  I wish I had taken a picture, but iphones weren't invented yet.  We got it out and she was off doing what little girls did at that age. 

 

 

She was so smart, and still is.  She never went to pre-school and by the time she went to Kindergarten she was already at a 1st grade reading level and could spell and write her own name.  She loved learning, loved school to death.  Her mind blossomed the more and more she went to school and it was like a sponge just soaking up more and more water.  She always got straight A's and they were easy A's for her.  She was a TAG student (Talented and Gifted) and we were so proud of her.

 

 

She followed in my footsteps and took dance classes.  She only took them for a short time, they just weren't her thing.  Mallory took tap classes and loved them, that made me happy, since I spent 8 years of my life living in a dance studio.

 

Nope, her thing was school and pets.  Over the years she had many pets, from a turtle, a cat who was much loved, and a hamster that scared her to death.  Her brother had frogs.  So we had a good range of animals, oh let's not forget the dalmation dog we had....that was an experience.  He was loved, but way to big for my family and I was done raising 2 year olds.

 

As she got older, she really stayed away from the boys until she reached high school.  Her high school was a break-off school for those talented enough that would find regular high school boring.  Brian and Mallory went there as well.  She dabbled in boys and had a few friends that were boys. 

 

All the kid's friends loved to come to our house because I was the super mom, always friendly to the friends, funny and fun to be around.  I grew very fond of some of her friends and Brian's as well.  In fact, one of Brian's high school friends is one of my friends on facebook.

 

I taught her how to drive and that was fun and stressful, but we got through it and she passed on the first time.  She had her share of car accidents, but didn't we all as teenagers.  At least I did. I had 3 in one year.

 

There was one solid family rule in our home and it was you graduate from high school, neither her father or I did.  We later got our GED's.  You don't do drugs or alcohol and you don't get pregnant. 

 

This was Christmas 2011 and she is holding the Princess Diana doll she hand crocheted for me.  She actually made me the whole bridal party.  The train is 3 feet long and she made it all herself, down to the panties, stockings, jewelry and flowers and the little girls headpieces.  It is a direct replica of Princess Di's dress and I will treasure it forever.  The party now sits in my piano room with all my other priceless items.

 

 

Well, they all kept those rules and Meagan did too, except right after graduation she found herself pregnant.  The situation was a giant problem as the young man was 3-4 years younger than her and his mother was raising a holy fit.  She insisted on an abortion and all the kids knew my position on abortion and adoption, particularly.

 

Meagan took the easy way and had an abortion.  You think my heart is broken from not having Mallory in my life.  The pain of that abortion cracked my heart into tiny little pieces and took me years to overcome and realize that she had been an adult and it was her life and that was the choice she made.  That started the dark years for us.  We had about a 10 year gap where we didn't talk and it all started because of the abortion.

 

Then I heard several years later that she got pregnant again and this time the blow was even harder as she put that baby up for adoption.  I was devastated once again.  I handled the abortion, but the adoption was another story.  One of the biggest hurts was that everyone in the family knew, except Brian and they all kept it from me.  That hurt the worst.  I've seen that child one time, but still count her as one of my grandchildren.

 

Anyway, moving fast forward.  Meagan had developed a loving relationship with a stellar match, her love, Tyler.  They spent A LONG time together, like 10 years and he then finally popped the question.  They were engaged and I was thrilled.  Both Brian and Mallory got married at the courthouse, but this was going to be a wedding, a true blue beautiful wedding and I got to be apart of it.

 

 

She was the most beautiful bride.  Her long flowing hair had been curled for hours and then it all fell out.  She made her own headpiece and it was spectacular.  She made her own jewelry and I supplied all the Something's.  The wedding was held in the historic Benson Hotel in downtown Portland and it was the most beautiful day in October 19th, 2012.  The weather was warm, the sun was out and that was rare for the Pacific Northwest.

 

Victor and I paid for the pictures and her new in-laws (great, wonderful people I've ever met) pitched in quite a bit as well.  Meagan and Tyler did all the rest themselves.  It was so beautiful, except her dad wore blue jeans with sandals and socks.  He looked horrible, was silent and never spoke to her once.  It was maddening to me. Why come at all.....anyway..

 



 

This picture says it all in my book.  I love this picture of the two of us so much.  It shows such love between the two of us, but more so mutual respect.  It shows that even after 10 years of battling and hurt feelings on both sides, love always wins.

 

 

 

Another great favorite of mine.  I had just helped her get dressed, with the aide of her maid of honor, it literally took two of us to get her into that dress.  But, I was so pleased that the photographer was able to catch this moment.  A few tears shed as we looked into each other's eyes, no words needed spoken, just love flowed. 

 

 

Lastly, the gang is all here, almost.  There's me, Tyler, Meagan, Emma, Brian and Brian's wife Cameron.  Emma was the flower girl and she did a great job with those rose petals.  It was so cute because Tyler was whispering "come on Emma, come on Emma"  She was walking a bit slow.  She did have a lot of eyes on her.

 

They now live in Tacoma, WA in a 100 year old house (this year it turned 100) and they love it to death.  We helped them furnish some of it and put some period pieces in it that they wanted.  Meagan has done a fabulous job restoring it herself and just this past summer painted the entire outside of the house, with scaffolding and all.  Nothing stops this energizer bunny.

 

She's my girl and I'm so proud of her.  She has come such a long way and out of all the rubble a gem has shown through.  She has her quirky moments, but that's what makes her unique.  She is rich in talent, rich in love and has no street smart....lol

 

We use to laugh about that when she was younger.  She can do anything you put in front of her, but she has no street smart.  She's doing better though. 

 

To close this very lengthy post, all I have to say about my oldest, is I love her dearly.  She holds a special spot in my heart as my oldest.  I desperately wanted her, wanted a girl and fought tooth and nail to keep her.  I was only 17 when I had her.  There was no way ANYONE was going to take my baby.  I made sooooo many mistakes with her and if anyone has room to complain about being a bad mother, she does for sure.

 

 

But, I love her to pieces and more importantly, I respect her!

 

I am Debbie and I was here....

 

Asking for forgiveness isn't suppose to be easy!

Asking for forgiveness isn't suppose to be easy!

 

As you know, I wrote to my daughter, Mallory and now I'm having second thoughts about doing so.  I'm not feeling right about it, but in my own justification I was so desperate to find her and talk to her, it was like I couldn't help it.  Do you know the feeling?

 

What confuses me is that yes I have missed her for the past 3 years.  Some days were really hard.  But, lately I've been having horrible nightmares about her and Sophie and my mind isn't at peace.  My heart is at an uproar again and this fierce mama lion has most likely gone to far.

 

I take all the blame, it's all my fault, but when do I get a chance to rectify any of it.  When do people realize that people are just that...people and we all make mistakes.  Yes, I admit it....I've made more than my share.  I've had a pretty screwed up life, BUT I could of made it better by reacting to it differently.  

 

We are all in control of our own lives and I've pretty much screwed up mind royally.  I must have, or why else would one of my own children talk such horrible things to me and then walk away.  

 

I've thought long and hard about those words she said to me...."You were never my mother", "You abused me", "You neglected me", etc.  They all play like a bad rerun in my head and I wish they would stop.  I play over and over those years being her mother while she was at home and those times when she wasn't at home and I can make some sense out of it, but most of it is a big gigantic blur.

 

For instance, abuse....abuse to me is beating a child, starving a child, emotionally abusive.  Neglect to me is.....never paying any attention to the child.  Never making sure they shower, wash their hair or brush their teeth.  Never feeding them or doing things with them or for them.  The final blow...."You were never my mother"....is the bomb...the atom bomb.  

 

I can say that about my adopted Mother...she was never my mother because biological she wasn't.  But, if she was my natural mother, she still wouldn't of been a mother.  She was in the true sense of the word abusive, sexually that is.  She was neglectful...it was my job to take care of my younger brother and cook and clean all starting at the tender age of 9.

 

She physically abused me as well.  I'll never forget the beatings, being spun around the room by my long beautiful hair.  Living in thilth was abusive, not to mention a health hazard.  I would lie awake at nights praying there wouldn't be a fire because I knew that I would be trapped and there would be no way for me to escape.  That fear still resides with me to this day.  Horrors from my childhood, I can never escape, but I've learned to let them live on in me as long as they stay in that special compartment in my head.  I don't allow them to affect my life anymore, it's just to damaging to myself and to people I love.  It's just down right destructive.

 

So, did I do all of that to Mallory?  I can't even fathom doing those things to one of my children.  Did I make mistakes, 100% I did.  But, what mother doesn't.  This is no excuse, because I'm no longer about making excuses for myself, but I was a young mother. A very young mother and I wasn't skilled or mature enough to be raising a family.  I DID THE VERY BEST THAT I COULD and with Mallory I thought I finally had it right.

 

I guess I didn't.  This makes me very sad.  Sad that I let her down.  Sad that she feels those horrible things about me.  Sad that she believes them, because in her world what she believes in is her own reality and I need to make amends for that, or do I?

 

Do I apologize for things I don't feel I did was wrong, just to get her back?  No, I won't do that.  But, I will apologize and admit that in her later years 12+ I was not a good mother to her at all.  

 

That sweet precious child, had done nothing wrong and she saw me live my life as if it was going down the sewer and I did nothing to stop it.  The worst part was I was taking her down with me.  I'm so thankful for her strong will that wouldn't allow me to do that to her. 

 

I will mention the things she saw, the things she heard and witnessed the very arrest of her own mother.  Those things were horrible, horrible to be done to her.  No child should witness their own mother being arrested for stealing.   

 

Those were very dark years for me.  Going from man to man, drinking and living a lie even I couldn't keep up with.  I was my own wrecking ball and I was doing a pretty good job at ruining my life and hers.

 

The best thing I did for her was put her on a plane back to her father, but it was also the hardest for me as well.  Why?  Because I had no one to take care of me.  I had to be on my own, there was nobody there to pick me up, tell me to take my meds or anything like that.  I had to grow up and take responsibility for myself for the very first time in my life and did I do it.  No, no I didn't.

 

I was a great pretender at being a successful adult, but those that knew me well and loved me watched me continue to spiral downhill quickly.  I struggled for many years this way and maybe it was my own punishment to myself for not giving myself or my children a better life.

 

I didn't have to lie down and die.  Why?  Why should I have let him win?  Why couldn't I take responsibility for my own actions and own up to them.  Why, because I was a coward.  A big, lonely, scared coward.

 

How did it all get better.  Certainly therapy didn't do it.  I've had decades of therapy to the point where I can have a degree in therapy and never have gone to school, it's so sad.  What woke me up was one day I woke up and there was nobody around me.  Nobody.  Everyone had left.  Everyone.  It was all up to me now.  Time to pull on my big girl pants.  Time to stop complaining and relying on others to supply my entertainment and happiness.  

 

It's taken me years and years, but I am so happy I went through all that mud, sometimes so thick I couldn't even walk.  Because, I sit here before you now at 12:33am so proud of myself for what I've been able to accomplish just in the past 2 years.  

 

As you know, I've been plagued hard with medical hardships and that in itself has been a challenge not to drown back to "poor me".  There were some very, very bad days.  Shots in my back, shots in my groin, shots in my hip, just to keep me walking somewhat normally.  Years of handicap stickers, wheelchairs and walkers.  All gone now.  2 years on pain medication and let me tell you how very hard it was coming off of those were.  How can you not become dependent on a medication when you've been taking it for so long? 

 

My migraines are now under control, thanks to the botox injections I get in my head.  Yep, all 33 shots in all.  But it's worth it, so I'm not in bed 2 weeks out of a month with migraines.

 

My thyroid gets weaker and weaker, but we just add more dosage to my medicine.  My psych meds are stable and doing their job.  We are even now talking about reducing meds, which is a HUGE thing in my life.  For a long time, I was totally reliant on those as well.  Often times, over medicating myself just to let the day slip away from all the pain I was carrying.  The pain in myself from my own life and the pain I was carrying from when I hurt those that are most precious to me.

 

I am now a successful business woman, who with a store today called me and ordered 7 more wreaths.  I can't tell you how justifying that is...How remarkable that is....How totally proud of myself I am....

 

I have said for way to long, I am disabled and I can't work, but guess what.  I'm not disabled.  I'm able to work, love working and grateful my body is able to keep up with me and all my daily tasks.  

 

In a whole, my life is whole....except you know that one last part....The third part of my heart is missing.  Will I ever see or hear from her again....truthfully, I don't think so.  

 

So, in those times of great sorrow and despair I sit at my beautiful baby grand piano and play until my hands hurt.  I play and play and play.  Thankfully, Victor never tells me to stop and he actually loves hearing me play.  I'm grateful for that.

 

In closing, if I could say just one thing to my daughter and know that she hears/reads it, I would say this......I LOVE YOU!  It doesn't get any more clear than that.  

 

I am Debbie and I was here.

 

 

 

 

Semper Fidelis

(Ha, Ha, I spelled it right)

 

 

 

 

The Marine Corp theme....Always Faithful. The Few. The Proud. The Marines.....My Son!

 

My son grew up in the 80's and early 90's and whether it was fate or horrible parenting, we bought our first Nintendo while he was young. 

 

That soon became a menace and he still LOVES his video games, always a kid at heart.  He aims now towards the shoot-em up kind, which doesn't surprise me based on his long history with the Marine Corp.

 

He's been a Marine (don't quote me on time) about 8 years and is a Staff Sergeant.  Stationed at Camp Pendleton his whole career.  He's done two tours, one in Iraq and the last one in Afghanistan. 

 

Needless to say this mother couldn't be prouder of this fine young man!  He has found a great love in the Marine Corp and I'm not sure if he's going to go career or not, but he's had trials and truly moments of greatness that will last him a lifetime. 

 

From a normal little boy, throwing rocks at sliding glass door and breaking one of them, to being a boy scout, to barely graduating (due to a bitter divorce between his father and I), he has made his life strong, powerful, loving, mature and he makes such wise choices.

 

He still has his love of playtime and he is the most remarkable father I've ever seen.  My granddaughter Emma is a joy, solid grounded little girl and it's been due to my son and his wife's efforts at raising her to be so.  She has manners, which is so rare these days and she's so funny and knows it.

 

She's a mix of girly girl and tom boy, which in my book is a great combination.  She'll wear a dress, but sport those cowboy boots like their the only shoes she has.  I love her dearly!

 

My son is a treasure, a rare gem that you don't find very often.  He loves with his entire being and he is so good to me.  Loves me and respects me.  He doesn't necessarily like my decisions, but he loves me just the same.  That's a rare trait and I appreciate it just like I do his decisions.

 

Just a HUGE side note:  Where we are staying I'm watching TV and my all time favorite TV show of all time is on.....Daniel Boone.  I LOVE IT!  Ok, back to Brian

 

This will give you some idea of the good nature my son is.  When I was in labor with him, he was 3 weeks late.  He was my only birth that went all natural, no pain and pretty short lived.  At least, that's how I remember it.  He ended up being 10# 23" long and when we left the hospital he was already wearing 3 month size clothing.

 

While he was a toddler, he loved mimicking everything I was doing.  My most favorite memory of him as a toddler was I was cleaning the outside windows and door.  It had those outer panes in them and so it was tedious work. 

 

I was cleaning the door with the painful panes and as I looked up, there was Brian about 18 months, inside the apartment cleaning the inside of the glass with his blanket.  I'll never forget that image and experience as long as I live.  It touched my heart so much.  This was the start of kindness, loving nature.

 

As he grew up in his 5-10 years, proved to be not so loving, but that's a boy for you.  He was innocent and he meant to do good and he really didn't do anything wrong per se.  He was just being a boy.  A part of my heart was stolen the day that sweet boy was born and nobody can take his place.  Call it favoritism, but I call it a special bond between a mother and her son.  I only have one son and I treasure him.

 

I was so proud of him the day he graduated from high school, the day he graduated from boot camp and the day he became a father.  Such milestones in his life that I'm sure he will never forget, at least I hope so. 

 

Isn't that what's life is all about...those milestones we make along the way.  The experiences that chip away the roughness of the stone that build a person.  As I will paraphrase one of my favorite stories about a sculpture, he was a famous sculpture and he chipped and chiseled his stone night and day.  He produced a statue, but really wasn't happy with it.  His friends and family loved it and marveled at it's beauty.  One wise person said that it's not the statue that's the marvel, it's that gem within the stone was always there. You just had to chip away the pieces to find the gem within the rock.

 

I hope I got that message across correctly.  In all of us, my son included, we are all pieces of stone and we all have pure gems inside.  Some of us chip away the pieces much sooner than others and others never chip away the rough edges.  My son, has found his gem, early in his life.  What a wonderful gift. I would like to say I was involved in that, but only in his very early years.  He's done the majority of it all by himself and that is a strong trait to have. 

 

I hope he knows that he should be proud of himself, because pride in yourself isn't selfish or being prude.  It's showing maturity and acceptance that you have come through some pretty rough patches and you are now an outstanding citizen of these crazy United States.  May I add, these crazy United States that he honors and loves dearly.

 

His life is barely begun and he has a long life ahead of him and I am so proud of him.  I love him beyond his years and I hope he knows that.  I hope he knows that he can always call on me day or night in time of need or want.  Right now I may not have much to give monetarily, but my heart is his and so is my soul. 

 

Brian, I love you!

 

I am Debbie and I was here....

Hard, Cold, Bathroom floor

Hard, cold, bathroom floor

 

Have you ever sat on a hard, cold, bathroom floor for a long period of time?  It gets hard doesn't it.

 

Without divulging where I am at the moment or why I'm here all you need to know at 3:37am is I am sitting on a very hard bathroom floor. 

 

It's the only place for me to be right now.  Victor is sleeping and typing and having the light on on the computer keeps him awake and he needs to sleep.  So, off I came to the bathroom.

 

I thought about bringing a pillow with me, but felt that was kind of gross, even if this floor does look super clean.  For a hotel, it's really clean. Probably because it's only a year old.

 

--------------------------------

 

Well, I made a move I promised myself I wouldn't make.  I sent Mallory an e-mail.  Yep, I sure did.  One of the last talks we had, which wasn't a talk, but her yelling insanities at me, I promised I would never contact her again.

 

But, I ask you as a mother, many of you mother's of many children (I only have 3), how do you let one of them go?  How do you stop worrying, stop loving, stop missing them.  There were days I felt like I wouldn't survive the day without hearing her voice.  Then there were days and days that would go on and I wouldn't think of her at all.

 

My hope is that she will have matured enough to have realized that no matter your age or circumstance you will always need your mother.  Over the course of the last 3 years I sure have learned a lot and there are a million things I would change and certainly never do again.

 

I never allowed Mallory to be an adult.  I never allowed her to walk on her own and fall.  She fell a few times, like sleeping in her car (a few times), but overall I was overly protective, demanding, condescending and told her how to do it all.  But you see, in my own mind I didn't feel like I was doing any of that.  I felt like I was just loving her way to much, and in a sense I was, but in all the wrong ways.

 

We were at one time best friends and I'm not so sure that works out with mothers and daughters.  I think that only works when both parties are willing and want it as well. 

 

I'm not going to take all the blame for this one, but I take quite a bit of it.  Mallory can be very difficult to deal with, downright obstinate and will just flat out not even budge. 

 

One of her most endearing features is just that ability, she is true to herself, no matter the consequences.  It's also to her detriment  because she blocks out love and people who love her and want to help and care for her.

 

Maybe in a sense, she is trying to say to the world...."I can do this all by myself and don't need all you messed up people"  What's she's missing is that yes, that is possible, but everyone needs to be loved and not just by one person.  If you are successful in your life, than that is music to a mother's ear, it lessens the stress of worrying if they are ok.  It makes you proud of them and who doesn't want to make people proud of them!  What a great feeling to have!

 

I love my daughter, Mallory so much and her daughter as well.  I miss having them in my life each and every day.  Sometimes when I play the piano and play the songs the kids liked for me to play, I can hear Mallory singing in the background doing one of her silly dances.  I can see Sophie enjoying the same music. 

Oh, how I long for the day when I can get them on a plane or get myself on a plane and travel to where they are and embrace them like I've never known them.  Making up for lost years and spoiling Sophie to death!  Those are the things I hope for, those are the things I pray for.

I now need to get off of this hard, cold bathroom floor.  It's playing havoc on my arthritis.  If you ever find yourself on your hard, cold bathroom floor I hope it's not in some hotel room, somewhere in the USA, can't sleep because I pissed off my husband.

Good night Mallory and Sophie!  I love you both more than you'll ever knowl

I wish you knew...

I wish you knew...

 

 

I bet you can tell how I love this words of wisdom that randomly get posted on facebook.  I often relate to so many of them, but this one reminds me of my youngest daughter, Mallory.

 

As you know, my facebook page has been filled with images and video's of Sophie, Mallory's daughter.  I miss her so much and I wonder how a person could deny a grandma such a blessing.  In Mallory's case it's all about power and revenge.  She has a power source in Sophie and she uses her as such a movable pawn to control people in her life.  How then is she better off than I?

 

I don't know how Mallory can deny the extended efforts I have made to help her and then Sophie while she's been an adult.  Has she forgotten all those times, when a mother; such as myself; has truly been there for her with no strings attached.

 

Do I have bad days, yes I do, but so does she. She has caused me great damage, hurt feelings and a lot of anger.  She has been the spoiled one and when a spoiled person doesn't get what she wants, then she throws a major temper tantrum and uses any means possible to get back at the person saying "No".

 

I said that dreadful word "No", finally.  I had helped, helped and helped her so many times that I just couldn't do it any longer.  I was enabling her and she needed to stand on her own two feet.  There was also one other time I didn't help and that was when she lived in her car with my granddaughter, now call that hard..it was downright brutal.  Total gut wrenching, I want to help, please let me help, NO.

 

Mallory is a product of myself and her father and the sooner she realizes that the easier life will get for her.  As experienced and mature adults we can help her in ways she can't help herself, coach her, ease the financial strings by providing things for Sophie. 

 

It feels apparent she wants to do things the hard way.  She has alienated herself from her entire family.  Father, grandmother and her siblings.  I still don't understand why.  Everyone can't be wrong.  It must be her, and until she realizes that we will all be kept in the dark.

 

I hate the dark, I'm afraid of it.  I don't like it when I can't see my way around my darkened world.  I must be my own light, I must stand on my own two feet.  I can do this, I've done it before and I'm doing it now.  But, I still can't see everything.  Things are a mystery to me and I hate surprises or mysteries. 

 

Because of my Bi-Polar I am a very Black/White type of personality.  I have no gray, middle of the road in me at all.  It is or it isn't.  That's why this thing with Mallory is so hard for me, because it's totally gray.  Or, maybe not.  She doesn't want to have anything to do with me, I suppose that's pretty black.

 

I never want to hurt any of my children.  In fact, I go to the other side of the spectrum so I won't hurt them, that I actually do hurt them in the end.  Does that make sense?

 

Going to end...more on Mallory later...

 

I am Debbie and I was here...

 





Oh, Elizabeth

 

For those who know me, I've been a long, hard admirer of movies and music.  I love it all for the most part, but I do have my favorites.

 

Of course, a sappy love story is a staple amongst my repertoire and LMN usually has some pretty good ones, at least when you don't get re-runs.  I've seen all the re-runs.

 

Music is in my soul, given to me by my Daddy who was a huge Elvis Presley fan.  He sang to anything and everything and even sang to me while in the womb.  He sang me one particular song that I rarely play because I can visually see and hear his sweet voice leaning over my mother's stomach and singing that song to me.  It's from the Statler Brothers, titled "Oh, Elisabeth".

 

By reading my blog you will know that Elizabeth was the name my birthparents were going to name me, so the song was very appropriate as well as poignant.  The lyrics go:

 

Oh Elizabeth, I want to see your pretty face
I want to touch your lips,

I want to feel your warm embrace

 Don't know if I could ever live my life without you
Oh Elizabeth, I'm sure missing you

 

I remember when we shared a life together
You gave me strength and love with life that felt brand new

 When you're so far away, I'd have to say I'm feeling blue
Oh Elizabeth, I'm sure missing you

 

Well it's been said before that I've caused many heartaches
And I wonder if that was really true
Being all alone feels my heart would surely break
Oh Elizabeth, I hope you understand

 

Don't know if I could ever live my life without you
Oh Elizabeth, I'm sure missing you
Oh Elizabeth

 

This is our song, my mother, fathers and mine.  It makes me cry every time I hear it or play it, so you can venture to say I don't play it much.  Usually when I'm missing my Daddy.

 

The part of the song, where it says "Don't know if I could ever live my life without you..." proved to be true, as my father committed suicide in 1974, I was 10. 

 

I never met him, but once I found my birth mom and heard their story and heard this song that he sang to me over and over again, I felt, feel, a love that's indescribable.  We share 9 months of a lifetime, a trip to Disneyland (my first, even if I was in the womb), a love that will never die and a Father that protected me at all costs. 

 

I wish I could have known him.  My heart breaks for the sorrow in my heart, but when I see his picture I'm renewed with the Cartwright strength and know he is all around me, always watching over me and constantly protecting me.  I couldn't ask for a better guardian angel.

 

To my Daddy, I promise to always do what's right. I promise to love unconditionally, I promise to love my children even when death takes me, because there are no boundaries for love.  I promise to embrace my music, sharpen it, tune it and practice, practice and practice.

 

I promise, to always and forever be a faithful member of the Cartwright Clan, one so that he will be proud of me.  I know he wants me to search out his ancestors and that there are relatives he has re-united with in heaven just waiting for me to do their work.  I promise to make more of an effort to do those things.

 

Lastly, I promise to remain true to myself.  To not let others drum my drum.  To always stay to my true east and face it fulltime with faith, anticipation and hope.

 

I am a daughter of God, but better yet...I am a daughter of Gerald Emmett Cartwright. Born Christmas Eve and died July 24, 1974.  He will always be remembered, loved and cherished and most importantly never forgotten.

 

Oh, Elisabeth....she longs to see your pretty face.....

 

I am Debbie and I was here...



 

She is a Woman

 

 

 

 

1.  I am a proud mother or three grown children.  They are all self-sufficient, successful and make me so damn proud.  I love each of you!

 

2.  I am a daughter, an adopted daughter and a birth daughter.  Which do I relate to most, both.  Which am I prouder of, both.  I learned things from being both types of daughters.  I learned how to be self-reliant being an adopted daughter.  I've learned how to feel being a birth daughter.

 

3.  I am a wife, three times now and the last time too I might add.  There will never be another husband for me.  I'm done with men...lol....1st husband gave me 20 great years, 3 beautiful children and 20 years of memories to last me a lifetime.  Husband #2, lasted 2 months, taught me about not trusting completely.  Lastly, my current husband, has taught me so far, patient. 

 

4.  I am a sister.  Never a full-blooded sister, but an adopted sister and a half-sister to 6 siblings.  What I've learned, keep my mouth shut and my business to myself.

 

5.  I am a truly amazing person!  Who wouldn't be after living a life like I have.

 

6.  I am strong, smart and crafty!  I am totally crafty, trying desperately to get my business off of the ground.  Strong, for sure.  smart, hard knocks makes you so.

 

7.  I am passionate, courageous and generous.  Passionate, hands down.  Courageous, no doubt.  Generous to a fault. 

 

8.  I am beautiful, I have a brain and I know exactly how to use it.  I have inner beauty that I will claim.  Outer beauty I don't agree with.  I do have a brain and a pretty sharp one.  Yes, I know how to use it and when to shut up and not to use it.

 

9.  I give life, loves respect, I have gratitude and believe in others.  I gave life to three remarkable human beings.  I love having respect, who doesn't, but I don't want it unless I deserve it.  I am forever grateful for what I have, whether it be large or small, I am grateful.  I do, eternally, believe in the good in others.  I believe there is good in each of us and some of us just chooses to show it, while other's chooses to depress it.

 

10.  I will nurture you, and fight for you.  A loving, nurturing nature in natural in me and I answer to that easily.  Fighting is a part of my astrological sign, the Leo (the Lion) and with that I WILL always fight for you if I believe in your cause. 

 

11.  I deserve nothing less than in return from you!  I give to everyone that I can, nobody is any less than I.  I give to my children, my grandchildren, my friends, my relatives, my neighbors and strangers.  I deserve what I give and I only expect that from my neighbors, friends, and family that love and respect me.

 

You are a woman!  You are entitled to all of the above, just like me....enjoy!

 

I am Debbie and I was here....

Tender Mercies

 

Tender Mercies

 

 

 

It's been some time now since I've seen or heard from my youngest daughter, Mallory and her daughter, Miss Sophie.  It was 3 years to the day on Christmas Day 2014.  What transpired on that day was an angry mother (Mallory) at her mother (me) because I didn't call first thing in the morning to wish my granddaughter, Sophie a Merry Christmas.  Instead, I called rather late for her and in the early evening for them on the west coast.

 

I had my oldest daughter, Meagan and her fiancé and my mother all here visiting.  I never forgot to call Mallory and Sophie, it just didn't happen when she wanted it to.

 

I hadn't had a Christmas with Meagan in over 10+ years and I was going to enjoy this time with her.  We were having a great time and a beautiful Christmas together.  Beautiful memories shared and beautiful gifts given and shared.

 

So, that very happy day turned ugly when in the evening I went to call Mallory and instead of hearing sweet "Merry Christmas's" I got an ear full I was not expecting.  I lost my temper and the phone call, ended with "you now have only one daughter".

 



 

That was the last word I have heard and until today, the last I've heard or seen of my granddaughter Sophie.  All grandchildren are special, but Sophie is extra special because she shouldn't be alive.  At 1 month of age, she suffered from Semolina poisoning, which led to meningitis, which led to a stroke.  She had a few brain operations and was told she would be left mentally challenged, delayed.

 

Mallory did her absolute best to give Sophie a normal life and not treat her as "special".  She expected her to do and say things all children her age did.  She acknowledged her weakness and made compensations for it, but overall Sophie wasn't as delayed as they thought she would be.  She was and is a truly miracle baby.

 

Tonight I sporadically searched the internet of anything related to Mallory and happen to type in Sophie's father's mother's name into facebook and up came picture's of Sophie.  I couldn't believe my luck and felt like I was intruding in on someone's space.  However, she wasn't private, she was purely public and all her photos and videos were public as well. 

 

So, I freely downloaded the pictures I wanted and watched a few videos.  That precious little girl who is now 5 hasn't changed a bit.  I can still hear her calling me Grandma and how I long for that now. 

 

As I saw here staring at her pictures I downloaded I felt the tender mercies of the Lord pour over me and was reminded of the awesome talk Elder Bednar gave in Conference so many years ago. 

 

He said "....Recall how the Savior instructed His Apostles that He would not leave them comfortless. Not only would He send “another Comforter” (John 14:16), even the Holy Ghost, but the Savior said that He would come to them (see John 14:18). Let me suggest that one of the ways whereby the Savior comes to each of us is through His abundant and tender mercies. For instance, as you and I face challenges and tests in our lives, the gift of faith and an appropriate sense of personal confidence that reaches beyond our own capacity are two examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. Repentance and forgiveness of sins and peace of conscience are examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. And the persistence and the fortitude that enable us to press forward with cheerfulness through physical limitations and spiritual difficulties are examples of the tender mercies of the Lord."

 

What I love about this quote is that the Lord will come, even himself, to comfort us through tender mercies.  I also know that in order to be able to receive such tender mercies we much have faith, ask for forgiveness for our sins and have peace in every dealing in our life.  We must be able to press on through all our challenges, with cheerfulness.  We must not let our physical, mental or spiritual disabilities stop us from receive the tender mercies of the Lord.

 

I have been bawling and crying and begging the Lord to bring back Mallory and Sophie to me, but I missed this one by a mile.  I did know that I needed to exercise faith, but faith was hard for me to come by in this particular case as I miss/ed my girls so damn much.

 

I realize now that the peace I found last Sunday in my piano room, the forgiveness I asked for and the heaven ray's that made the room shine like noon-day showed me a path, I had never seen before.  A path of righteousness I never experienced before.

 

Yes, I've been a faithful daughter of God and I've been righteous, but not at this level.  Not at the level a Daughter of God should be.  If that will bring home my Mallory and Sophie, then I will stand on mountains and be made whole.  I will be so righteous that I will blind the Lord with my own rays of sunshine.

 

Tender mercies were felt in this home today.  Happy feelings, loving feelings.  Justified feelings.  If nothing else happens for a long time, the Lord has given me some hope, something to hang on to until the next tender mercy, which may be Mallory herself. 

 

These are just my own experiences, mind you.  These truths apply to me and may be totally different for you or not at all.  For me, I need the blessings of the Lord to live in this day and age.  To live with having Bi-Polar.  To live without all my children and grandchildren. 

 

I'm happy to say, I have this peace in my soul.  I've experienced those tender mercies the Lord himself poured down on me today.  I am thankful!

 

I am Debbie and I was here...

 



Burning Bridges

 

Burning Bridges

 

 

 

I've been thinking about this saying for several days now and I still don't have a concrete thought in my head on how to write this post.  So bear with me as I try and muddle through this one.  It might be a long one, but I'll try to put in pictures to break up all the white space.

 

To paraphrase the unknown quote, burning a bridge could be considered not a bad thing because it prevents us from going there in the first place. 

 

When I first read that on facebook, I thought, YES, that is totally correct.  But, after thinking about it a few days, I say NO.  That's not correct.

 

In my life, because of my adoption bridges were all I wanted to cross, but what I wasn't prepared for was that certain members of my birth family frequently burned bridges for really no good reasons.  That is my version and my opinion.

 

If I had never crossed those bridges, I never would of met my birth family and had developed fond memories that will last me a lifetime, even if those relationships no longer exist.  Are those bridges burned, some are.  By me, possibly, but I think by both parties. 

 

In adoption, I think there is just to much pain in a reunion, so much to work through, so much work to be done, so many people to get to know and so many emotions running through your head all at the same time it's hard to separate it all.  I can say these things, because I've lived it.

 

Is it worth it?  For me, yes it was.  For you, maybe not.  I can't say for another person if crossing that bridge into the unknown birth family will be worth it for him/her.  I've seen it go bad and then I've seen other's very successful. 

 

At one point, I thought I had it solid.  I had found my place.  I had been accepted, but that didn't turn out to be so true.  I wasn't raised the way my sisters were.  I didn't get to experience growing up with my birth mom like they did.  I grew up with a fake mom, who really wasn't a mom at all. 

 

They didn't have the experiences I had.  We had/have nothing in common, but I thought as adults we could find a common ground, as adults, with children, some the same ages.  For a time, we did it.  We were being a family and I never felt love like I did then. 

 

But, people get misunderstood on both side of the fence.  Rumors are told, lies told and spread, half-truths said and because they didn't know me, of course they believed the things they heard were to be true.  Jealousy ran rampant and I still can't figure out why the favoritism that goes on in that family still goes undenied.

 

It appeared that the whole family couldn't be happy at one time.  That someone always had to be out of the picture and it was usually one of us girls.  Me and my two half-sisters.  I don't think I remember a time when we were all happy together at one time.  Even when I lived in their small town in Kentucky.

 

Did I burn bridges?  Yes, I did.  I will be the first to admit that and the first one to ask for forgiveness.  Why did I burn that bridge?  Plain and simple, it got to be to painful. 

 

For an adoptee the worst thing you can do to that person is abandonment. Rejection is like slicing their throat in two.  The reason, is very clear.  They have been abandoned and rejected once before, usually at birth, and after going through an emotional roller coaster trying to find their birth family they are rejected again, they really aren't to likely to build that bridge back again.  It's to costly. 

 

For me, it cost me a lot.  It cost a lot out of my marriage to my first husband.  The emotional drain was something he never understood and the time and finances I was putting into the effort was a bit to much for him.  It played a factor in losing a dear friend.

 

I'm not saying it's all their fault, because trust me....I played my share of faults in the relationship's as well. I didn't take the time to understand them either.  I didn't take the time to get to know them.  I pushed to hard.  I wanted my family back and I was a complete stranger to them.  For me, they were all I had dreamed of my whole life.

 

I made mistakes.  Big mistakes.  Mistakes, that probably will never be forgiven, but I've tried to ask for forgiveness and that's all I can do, the rest is up to them. 

 

I will say just a few small things about my half-brother, who has and I believe will always be loving toward me.  He was the first who truly accepted me into his home and life as the person I was.  He didn't expect me to be anything other than who I was.  I made mistakes with him as well.  Hurt his reputation, but he still loves me, forgives me and even though our relationship isn't what I wish it was, I know he loves me and I know that I can go to him if I am in need.  I hope he knows the same is true for me as well.  I am always here for him and his beautiful wife and family.

 

As for my birth mother, WOW is all I can say.  I never blamed her for anything as I grew up, but once this last bridge was broken a few years ago, I really began to look back at the stories she told me and have had a difficult time accepting her like I use to. 

 

I wasn't in her shoes, I'll give her that.  It was a different era, 1964. Teenager parents were unheard of and adoption all the craze.  But, I think I now firmly believe she could of tried harder.  She let go of my father to quickly, and I feel she betrayed him.  I won't go into particulars, just to protect my family.

 

Anyway, I struggle with her now.  I haven't spoken to her in a few years and just today tried to reach out to her, but she didn't answer her phone.  I was just going to call and let her know how very sorry I was for the hurt I had caused her two years ago and for the pain in which I caused, even though it was not intended to hurt her in anyway, she took it that way.  I still feel like I need reach out to her at least once more and apologize for so many things.  I hope to reach her soon.

 

To end this post...I just want to say that burning a bridge is never a good idea, like the quote says.  If you burn a bridge, you never know what you may be missing on the other side now or in the future.  The future could be in a day or in 10 years, but at least that bridge is still open. 

 

My lesson:  Don't always agree with what is posted on facebook!

 

I am Debbie and I was here...