A new life

A new life

 

I don't know where to begin...

 

Have you ever had a moment where you stop and realize that you've made poor choices in your life and it's time to make things right, mend your mistakes, soothe your soul and make lifetime changes?

 

I've had that moment and I've realized that I don't like the person I am.  I don't like how I've hurt the people I love, how badly I've made mistakes that have drastically impacted my life and my marriage. 

 

How do I make amends?  How do I live with myself?  How do I make it right?  How do I prove myself worthy? 

 

Well, my friends, the answer lies in each of us.  We all have that power to make things right.  I don't care what position you have in life, you are not perfect and neither am I.  You might not have made life changing mistakes, but I guarantee you've made mistakes. 

 

We each have the power to overcome challenges, make things right to those we have wronged.  How do you live with the shame?  Well, you sweep away your ashes you've left behind and ignite that fire again.

 

You have the will power to do anything if you make the decision to do the right things.  What are the right things?  For each person they are different.  Mine are different than yours.  Yours are different than your friend.  You know what your principles are, what you believe in.  You know when you have stepped over the line. 

 

So, I challenge you to light your fire, keep the flame glowing and start your life anew this Easter week.  Easter represents a lot of things, but in general it represents a rebirth, a renewed spirit.  A new beginning.  So, take this opportunity as I am and start anew.

 

I don't consider the New Year a new beginning.  I consider Easter more of a time for a new beginning.  We celebrate the crucifixion of Jesus and loudly rejoice in His risen self.  He died for our sins, each and every one of you.  He died to make things new for us.  We have this chance, we have this power and we have this remarkable gift to use each and every time we fall down.

 

You, my mysterious friend, have my love and my support.  I pray your life will be as you set it out to be.  Your mistakes forgiven, and your ability to start anew.  I have faith in you!

 

I am Debbie and I was here...



Gratitude Journal

 

Gratitude Journal

 

The Sister Missionaries were over today for craft day, which by the way, I LOVE!!!  Anyway, usually they give me a short message and off they run, but today they did something a bit different.  They made me a Gratitude Journal.  I was so touched by their thoughtfulness and sharing their own gratitude for things in their lives I became aware that I needed to be a bit more grateful for the things I have and to stop taking for granted the people in my life and the things in my life.  By saying 'things' I'm not necessarily talking about materialistic things.  Things like my testimony, the rain, the rainbow and then there are those basic necessities we all need, which is clothes, food, heat, water and air to breath.

 

In my beautiful new little Gratitude Journal each Sister Missionary wrote 3 things they were grateful for about me.  One Sister wrote "Her laugh always brightens my day", that same sister also wrote, "I'm grateful for her candy bowl on days that I'm craving chocolate". 

 

Another Sister from how she loves my creativity and how I can turn anything into something beautiful.  Well, I don't know about that last part, but I like the creativity part.  The last Sister wrote something that really caught me off guard and she said "So Open to share your life experiences with us to teach us by example".

 

Isn't that the truth!  We all learn by example.  We learn from our parents, siblings, friends, actors/actresses, politicians, religious leaders, and many other type of people.  The world is full of examples.  Some are excellent and beautiful and then there are those that are dark, quiet and deeply distant.

 

 

 

So, let me say my three things I'm grateful for today:

 

                   1.  I'm grateful for my children!

                   2.  I'm so grateful for the Sister Missionaries who have crossed paths with me and my craft room.  These young women have taught me so much about life, God and love.  Their selfless service is remarkable and I just love getting to know each of them!

                   3.  I'm grateful for my grandchildren; Cassie, Sophie, Emma and little Gabe!  They keep me alive and young!

 

Finding gratitude brings us out of the "me, me, me, me" stage and more into the "you, you, you, you" place.  Gratitude brings love and light into your world.  Being Grateful for things in your life, the people in it will make you appreciate them even more.  It will open up your eyes to an arena that you've never stepped into before and it will transform you.  I promise, by doing this simple thing every night, it will transform you. 

 

You will see things through cleaner and clearer glasses.  You will love deeper, hold onto things tighter and fight for what's right in your life.  Some day you might just be grateful that you treated yourself to a quarter pounder (that's my weakness).  But, then there will be those days when the dirt hits the pavement and your gut is aching so bad where you will truly see what your grateful for and WHY!

 

Do we really need to know why?  Maybe not, but for me I would like to know why I'm grateful for that person or thing.  That just might help you weed out the thorns in your bushes that you thought you were grateful for, but once you really thought about it you didn't really like them or it.  So, the result is to get rid of it and that can be a totally cleansing process, which will feel so good to dump that garbage off your back. 

 

I've done that, that's why I can talk about it.  It feels so good to get things off your shoulders.  Unnecessary things in your life, or people that don't value you or have any real purpose in your life.  I mean it's nice being cordial to the bank teller, but you don't have to make her your best friend. 

 

Lastly, I can't say this enough.  When you find what your grateful for, you appreciate that person or thing so much more.  You won't want to hurt it, harm it, break it, destroy it or damage it.  You will want to protect it, love it and give it a safe haven in your heart. 

 

So, now that I've shared what I'm grateful for, what are you grateful for?  I challenge each of you to create your own gratitude journal and each day at the end of the day write down three things you are grateful for that you experienced or that you are grateful for.  Good luck on your Gratitude Journal and I hope you take this journey with me.

 

I am Debbie and I was here...

 

 

 

 

 

Coming Out

 

 

Coming Out

 

It appears that I'm finally finding my way out of that deep, dark hole I was in.  This one wasn't easy as part of it was the  new medication I was given.  Plus it didn't help that I was missing a dose of another one for a week.  The combination was almost deadly.  So, deadly I begged Victor to take me to the hospital.

 

Now, I'm not an advocate for the psych ward at the hospital.  I feel they don't do you any good, except keep you safe and I didn't feel safe.  Victor, however, watched me like a mama hawk and I came through, but came through with a few battle scars.

 

Part of my stress in the past several months is Victor's unemployment status. We are at 6 months now and it appears there may be some light at the end of this dark hole.  A spot I can climb out of. Maybe a job offer coming our way, with it a new move. 

 

My hip has been acting up pretty quickly and I'm finding it hard again to walk.  I need to call my hip surgeon today and get an appointment to get another shot in the hip. Hopefully that helps.  It popped out of place 3 times yesterday and that is so painful.

 

We got the new movie Exodus, the movie about Moses and setting the slaves free.  I don't recommend it.  The Ten Commandments with Charleston Heston is the bomb and I found myself constantly comparing movies.  There are just some movies that should be left alone.

 

There's another one out called A.D. that might be worth watching.  It's about the life of the disciples after the death of Jesus.  I think I would redbox that first before I buy it, I wish I had done that with Exodus. It would of saved us 30.00.

 

That about sums up the past few days.  Resting my hip today.  We were out most of the day yesterday running errands and that certainly didn't help my hip any.  So, today is a "take it easy day".  I love these type of days!

 

I am Debbie and I was here...

 



The Dark Hole

 

The Dark Hole

 

 

It has been some time since my last post and I've really haven't had anything to write about.  My last post was about my excitement over my new medication being reduced, but what I intentionally didn't mention is just how difficult it is to change a medication regime.

 

I happen to be in week one of my new sleeping pill switch and I've been a crying, anxiety driven mess all week.  It will usually take a person's body 2-3 weeks to adjust to the change and that is why most major medication adjustments happen in a hospital psychiatric ward, so they can be monitored.  Me, I'm tough.  I've been through it before and I can do it again, right....wrong.

 

I'm ready to call it in.  Pack my bags and head to the hospital.  I can't keep putting Victor through this madness .  I just finished week 1.  There is a very strong possibility that the medication just isn't working for my system, or that I was taking my other one for over 20+ years and it's going to be a big major change.  One, I'm not sure I want to go through.

 

My depression deepens and this post is about the dark halls of depression.  My mind, body and spirit are on this journey down a long dark, dusty hall filled with many closed doors that have been closed for what seems like centuries.  Dust covers their doorknobs and cobwebs adorn their frames.  I tiptoe through the hall, hoping not to disturb anyone, but who am I disturbing, it's obvious no one lives there. 

 

I rattle about hall after hall searching for some light and never finding any.  This house is never-ending and it's halls are dark, big, and scary.  Are there pictures of the walls?  Some, maybe my ancestor's died before me in the thrones of the deepest of despair.

 

My body is heavy laden and each step becomes harder than the first.  I struggle to stay standing erect and all I want to do is sleep, but there are no beds to be seen.  I walk the halls until my body is so crusted in dust I can no longer walk and so I find a cozy little corner that at one time must have been very beautiful.  With it's deep carvings and rich mahogany color, I find solice there and rest my weary feet.

 

I must of fallen asleep, finally some sleep, but my body still feeling heavy knows I must push on and find the light.  I must escape this darkness I am surrounded in.  I get up and trip. What did I trip on?  An old wooden toy, so children use to be here. This use to be a happy place.  I find hope in finding some light.

 

I stumble for what seems like hours and I feel like I'm going in circles, so I start marking my spots on the walls of dust where I have been.  I finally come to what appears to be a kitchen, but it's full of knives everywhere.  Hanging from the ceiling, laying on the floor, on the countertops and in the drawers.  Nothing but knives.  I know these knives, they were once my friend long ago when I would use them on my body to release all the pain bottled up inside of me.  Yes, I remember that so vividly now.  This room gives me peace, peace from the dark, musty halls.  It brings to mind a new hope, a release of pain and maybe I can find that light now.

 

Traveling onward pass the knives I spot a glow in the hallway.  I run to it as fast as my dust covered legs will take me and as I opened up the door just ajar I see a woman in her 30's holding a baby and cooing it to sleep.  I must be dreaming, why would this beautiful woman be in such a dark and dreary home, and with a baby!  My mind is playing tricks on me and I know now I am dying and must find my way to the light fast.  I'm sinking further and further into that big deep dark hole.

 

 

 

 

 

I can see the light around it, but it's out of my reach.  Just as I'm falling in, I wake up. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, I'm awake from this horrible dream, but how horrible is it and how true is it really about?

 

This past week has been so hard, one of the hardest I can remember in a long time and I suppose that's because I haven't had a medication adjustment in many, many years.  It is playing havoc on my mind and my body. I know I have to give it another 2 weeks, but I'm in hell and Victor is coming down with me.  He certainly doesn't need this added stress upon him.  He needs to find a job and that has to be his many focus right now, not picking me off the bathroom floor sobbing like a little child. 

 

No, I'm not crazy and no I've not changed!  I'm just going through a medication adjustment that might not be working to my benefit.  This is normal, but feels like torture.  I feel like I'm going out of my mind and at times wish I could pull my hair out by it's roots all at the same time.  The pressure in my head is unbearable at times and the constant crying is getting on everyone's nerves. 

 

I'll be ok, I always am, but in the meantime I need gentle hugs and love.  Gentle I'm thinking of you.  Gentle you mean something  to me.  I love you wouldn't hurt either.  Support is what I'm asking for and If I behave out of line or out of character, don't turn your back and walk away.  Try to give a hug and say it's OK. 

 

I am Debbie and I was here...



I am WOMAN!

 

 

I am WOMAN!

 

 

I loved this so much off of facebook that I thought I would write a post about it.

 

1. I am strong - I know all of my weaknesses and I try to correct them as quickly as I can.  I am trying hard not to make the same mistakes over and over again.
2. I am compassionate - Compassion come from suffering, so true.  In order to be compassionate you must have gone through some pretty horrible stuff.  I know I did and I'm a very compassionate person.

   
3. I am alive - Because I am a fighter!  I'll never stop fighting for things I believe in and things I love.  I'll never give up on love ones again and I will always fight for what's right!

   
4. I am wise - In order to be wise, you have to have done some pretty foolish mistakes.  Some of those mistakes might have been big ones, or maybe small ones. Nevertheless, through your foolish errors, you become very wise, because you've experienced many things and done many things.  Some foolish and other not so foolish.

   
5. I can laugh - Because I've known sadness. Oh, I love this one as it pertains to me so much it's scary.  It seems my life has been all about sadness, but I'm still laughing away.  They key to the sadness is to let it go.  It's in the past, let it stay there.  Once you can do that, you can laugh!

   
6. I can love - Because I've known loss.  WOW, this one is a whopper (no not a hamburger).  Loss is a mighty force to be reckoned with.  You can't understand the pure power of Love until you have lost something so dear to you it breaks your heart into.  It doesn't necessarily have to be someone, it could be something or some incident out of your control.  For me, my loss has been great.  The loss of my Daddy and the loss of my youngest daughter.  I've lost in a deeply hurtful divorce.  I've lost when I've lost jobs.  I've lost when I've miscarried.  I think you get the idea.  Going through such tragedy gives us the ability to see love just by going through these type and other trials.  We have to know pain, before we can know joy!

   
7. I am a strong woman - YES, I AM!  I'm strong because of all the reason mentioned above.  Life has an amazing capacity of teaching lessons without us know about it.  We may think that miscarrying a child is so deeply gut wrenching, but it's life teaching us about suffering, pain, rage, despair, loss of hope for starting over, and loss.  I have weathered the storms of life and I LOVE TO DANCE IN THE RAIN!  I can't tell you enough how much I love the rain.  Rain makes me homesick for my beloved Portland, OR home, where I lived 37 years and raised my 3 wonderful children.  I miss the rain, miss the smell, miss the freshness in it, miss the cleanliness it brings to the earth (not to mention the cars), and the plain fact that it's nature's way of watering the animals and plant life.  Yes, rain to some is horrible and depressing. For me it makes me alive!

   

 

I am Debbie and I was here...

 

 



 



The cost of Medication

 

The cost of medication

 

 

 

Since 2001 I have been taking a cocktail of Bi-polar/Anti-Depression medication/Sleeping pills and anxiety medication.  At one time I was taking 15 different medications at one time.  All were needed for something and making them all balance was a nightmare.

 

Now it's 2015 and pharmaceutical companies have come a long way in making medications better, better preforming, better lifespan and much better cost for the end user. 

 

If you have Bi-Polar and are heavily medicated like I was for so many years, then your Bi-polar is in control of you, you are not in control at all.  This is not good!

 

As you grow through the years and learn more about the disease and find a doctor/therapist you are comfortable with you can really start some good work and with the hope that you can eventually get off most of your medication.  That is a sign of a healthy mental person.  They will probably always need medication,  maybe 1 or 2, but not 15.

 

I currently take 11 psychiatric medications.  All do different things.  One is a sleeping pill.  One is for the bi-polar itself.  One is for my panic attacks/anxiety.  And the other 3 when taken together work as a team to fight depression.

 

Well, I had a doctor appointment today and we talked about reducing my medication.....HOOOOOORRRRRAAAAYYYY!  Hooray for me!  What an awesome sign this shows me, that I'm rational, logical, not mouthy, brassy or down right mean.  I'm almost normal in a bi-polar world.

 

First step is to get my sleeping under control, so we are switching my sleeping pills.  When you take a certain medication for 14 years, it tends not to work any longer, so a new sleeping medication was in great need because right now I'm only getting about 4 hours of sleep a night.

 

 

At my next appointment in 2 weeks, we will take out the 3 anti-depression drugs and replace them with just 1 new medication.  So, that will take my total down to 4 pills a day. 

 

Now there is always a risk in changing meds, there's is setbacks, trouble getting adjusted, the medication just not working properly and then we have to play around with medication like Russian roulette. 

 

I'm hopeful and excited.  I'm stoked because it shows me how well I'm doing and how hard I've worked to get this far.  Having Bi-Polar isn't the end of your life and once you figure that part out, you're starting to get better.  If you are still using it as a crutch to make all your excuses, then you're in denial and need a lot of therapy. 

 

You can live a very productive life and have bi-polar also.  That's what I'm doing and what I plan on continuing.  Now, with medication slow down I feel the most calm I have ever felt in 14 years

 

It's hard being dependent on so many medications and each of them have their own side effects and some of the medications were to offset the side effects of this drug with this other drug.  That's when it gets ridiculous. 

 

So, my news is good for today.  I'll take it!

 

I am Debbie and I was here....



No Control

Part 2

Each day that passes I feel my control go looser and looser. I told Mallory via myspace a few days ago that I would back off, but I still have that gut wrenching feeling that I need to reach out to her.

I know have her address and her phone number, but I'm holding onto it for now. I'm pretty sure the information is correct as well, but it could be wrong and I could of end up back to square one.

I have to figure out the right timing for this and I don't feel now is it, but how did I let my daughter get control over me, rule my life and tell me when and how I can be in her and Sophie's Life.  That's not what "normal" grown-ups do in today's society.

Did I really fail her that badly?  In some areas yes, but mostly overall not!  At least I know that one in my heart and mind.  My mind is as whole as it's been in my whole life.  For instance:

I found out about a week ago that my Mom is in stage 4 renal failure and she refuses dialysis and a transplant.  When I looked it up on the internet I was shaken to the ground at the pain this poor woman will go through if she doesn't take something.  People who don't live the rest of their life miserable and in extreme pain.  I wronged her 2 years ago and stopped speaking to her.  About a week ago I called her asking for forgiveness for my actions.  Then she tells me she has stage 4 renal failure.

If I had been having episodes and falling apart at such news, yes I would of been back to the beginning where no progress was made. She was gracious to accept my apology and we pick up were we left off, loving each other and cherishing each other.  Because we never know how much longer we have with that person.

I wish Mallory was grown-up enough to realize that people do make mistakes and some of them aren't there fault. But, as long as that person apologizes remorsefully, then that person has a responsibility to at least give them a chance.

So, I still have no control, until I'm willing to make it my choice, then I'm ok with that.  

My advice to you, if there is someone in your life, doesn't have to be a relative, it could be your neighbor, a child, a friend or anyone else.  Make your peace with them TODAY! Do not let another day goes by, as in my case I now have 1 year left with my Mother and that saddens me of all the years we have lost to angry hearts. Your reconciliation will be beneficial for both of you and if you make the 1st step, good for you! You've begun the healing process by that one little phone call. It will not seem like it, but trust me, it is the first, not the last. It will take time, but what else to you have to do.  Keep the faith and say lots of prayers for people in my shoes.  Thank You!

I am Debbie and I was here.....

No Control

 

NO CONTROL...

 

I have learned in just the last few days that you have no control over anything or anyone else in your life.  The only person you can control is yourself.  I don't like it, in fact, I depise it, but again, there's nothing I can do about it.

I had no control over being put up for adoption...I had no control over being sexually abused as a child....I had no control over when my 1st husband decided to have an affair and destroy our family....I had no control over my oldest daughters decisions....I had no control over my youngest daughters downhill spiral that I learned about yesterday.

Yep, seems the dark side has her under their control and doesn't appear she isn't in control of her own life either.  My heart aches for her greatly, I grieved for her all day and all night, crying my eyes out after what I learned.  Despite all my efforts to make amends and reach out to her, she has chosen a dangerous path and like in everything else....I have no control....

I have seen her give her own control away to men that weren't worthy of her.  I've seen those men/boys destroy her heart and abuse her in ways that makes a mother cringe.  I've watched this child of mine from a far suffer, and suffer and suffer and still refuses my love.  I have no control over that, and furthermore, I don't understand why.  Why won't she let me in?  I am not the monster she thinks I am.  She has been fed these lies for years to the point that she now believes in them and I have no control in changing any of it. 

Her  happiness is all I want and she is not happy.  How can she be in the current circumstances she is under.  My heart just aches and aches for her and all I want to do is put my arms around her and love her.  Not speak a word, just hold her.  But, that won't ever happen because I have no control.

Because I have no control and because I know she is a grown woman able to make her own choices, even if they are dangerous and bad.  I have to let that happen.  I have to allow her to make those mistakes, even if her very life is at risk.  Because I have no control.  I have to sit back and watch my child take herself down a drain and there's only one path and it's down. 

I have no control.....I'm afraid, scared, worried, sad, heartbroken, and I'm the only one on her side.  Her siblings and most certainly her father think differently.  They say she made her bed, now she has to live with the consequences.  I agree with that to an extent, but do I have to watch my own daughter kill herself?  She has burned her bridges with every member in the family that going back to them is probably not possible.  But, not with me.  Never with me.  I'll always be here for her.  My heart will always be open to her and Sophie.  I would do anything and everything to help her, shelter her, take care of her daughter, anything to make her healthy again.  Why?  Why after all the pain she has pushed on me, because I have no control over my deep love for her. 

I am her mother and mother's never give up on their children.  At least, I don't and I won't.  I refuse.  Someday, I WILL get through to her.  Why?  Because I will not give up on her.  I will not.

I have no control, this is true....but I'm not going to let it stop me from saving my daughter.

I am Debbie and I was here...

 

 

The Oldest

 

I've talked about My son and my youngest daughter, now let's talk about my oldest, Meagan.

 

Meagan has grown to be a beautiful, sweet, extremely smart woman.  Anything she puts her mind to, she does it and she does it to perfection.

 

 

 

Just look at that face.  The cutest little girl around, but I'm biased.  But, all my kids were cute and adorable.  At this age my favorite story was when she was helping me cook chicken for dinner and somewhere she found a popcorn kernel and just by happenstance shoved it up her nostril. 

 

She thought it was cute, at first and so did I, until we couldn't get that darn thing out.  I wish I had taken a picture, but iphones weren't invented yet.  We got it out and she was off doing what little girls did at that age. 

 

 

She was so smart, and still is.  She never went to pre-school and by the time she went to Kindergarten she was already at a 1st grade reading level and could spell and write her own name.  She loved learning, loved school to death.  Her mind blossomed the more and more she went to school and it was like a sponge just soaking up more and more water.  She always got straight A's and they were easy A's for her.  She was a TAG student (Talented and Gifted) and we were so proud of her.

 

 

She followed in my footsteps and took dance classes.  She only took them for a short time, they just weren't her thing.  Mallory took tap classes and loved them, that made me happy, since I spent 8 years of my life living in a dance studio.

 

Nope, her thing was school and pets.  Over the years she had many pets, from a turtle, a cat who was much loved, and a hamster that scared her to death.  Her brother had frogs.  So we had a good range of animals, oh let's not forget the dalmation dog we had....that was an experience.  He was loved, but way to big for my family and I was done raising 2 year olds.

 

As she got older, she really stayed away from the boys until she reached high school.  Her high school was a break-off school for those talented enough that would find regular high school boring.  Brian and Mallory went there as well.  She dabbled in boys and had a few friends that were boys. 

 

All the kid's friends loved to come to our house because I was the super mom, always friendly to the friends, funny and fun to be around.  I grew very fond of some of her friends and Brian's as well.  In fact, one of Brian's high school friends is one of my friends on facebook.

 

I taught her how to drive and that was fun and stressful, but we got through it and she passed on the first time.  She had her share of car accidents, but didn't we all as teenagers.  At least I did. I had 3 in one year.

 

There was one solid family rule in our home and it was you graduate from high school, neither her father or I did.  We later got our GED's.  You don't do drugs or alcohol and you don't get pregnant. 

 

This was Christmas 2011 and she is holding the Princess Diana doll she hand crocheted for me.  She actually made me the whole bridal party.  The train is 3 feet long and she made it all herself, down to the panties, stockings, jewelry and flowers and the little girls headpieces.  It is a direct replica of Princess Di's dress and I will treasure it forever.  The party now sits in my piano room with all my other priceless items.

 

 

Well, they all kept those rules and Meagan did too, except right after graduation she found herself pregnant.  The situation was a giant problem as the young man was 3-4 years younger than her and his mother was raising a holy fit.  She insisted on an abortion and all the kids knew my position on abortion and adoption, particularly.

 

Meagan took the easy way and had an abortion.  You think my heart is broken from not having Mallory in my life.  The pain of that abortion cracked my heart into tiny little pieces and took me years to overcome and realize that she had been an adult and it was her life and that was the choice she made.  That started the dark years for us.  We had about a 10 year gap where we didn't talk and it all started because of the abortion.

 

Then I heard several years later that she got pregnant again and this time the blow was even harder as she put that baby up for adoption.  I was devastated once again.  I handled the abortion, but the adoption was another story.  One of the biggest hurts was that everyone in the family knew, except Brian and they all kept it from me.  That hurt the worst.  I've seen that child one time, but still count her as one of my grandchildren.

 

Anyway, moving fast forward.  Meagan had developed a loving relationship with a stellar match, her love, Tyler.  They spent A LONG time together, like 10 years and he then finally popped the question.  They were engaged and I was thrilled.  Both Brian and Mallory got married at the courthouse, but this was going to be a wedding, a true blue beautiful wedding and I got to be apart of it.

 

 

She was the most beautiful bride.  Her long flowing hair had been curled for hours and then it all fell out.  She made her own headpiece and it was spectacular.  She made her own jewelry and I supplied all the Something's.  The wedding was held in the historic Benson Hotel in downtown Portland and it was the most beautiful day in October 19th, 2012.  The weather was warm, the sun was out and that was rare for the Pacific Northwest.

 

Victor and I paid for the pictures and her new in-laws (great, wonderful people I've ever met) pitched in quite a bit as well.  Meagan and Tyler did all the rest themselves.  It was so beautiful, except her dad wore blue jeans with sandals and socks.  He looked horrible, was silent and never spoke to her once.  It was maddening to me. Why come at all.....anyway..

 



 

This picture says it all in my book.  I love this picture of the two of us so much.  It shows such love between the two of us, but more so mutual respect.  It shows that even after 10 years of battling and hurt feelings on both sides, love always wins.

 

 

 

Another great favorite of mine.  I had just helped her get dressed, with the aide of her maid of honor, it literally took two of us to get her into that dress.  But, I was so pleased that the photographer was able to catch this moment.  A few tears shed as we looked into each other's eyes, no words needed spoken, just love flowed. 

 

 

Lastly, the gang is all here, almost.  There's me, Tyler, Meagan, Emma, Brian and Brian's wife Cameron.  Emma was the flower girl and she did a great job with those rose petals.  It was so cute because Tyler was whispering "come on Emma, come on Emma"  She was walking a bit slow.  She did have a lot of eyes on her.

 

They now live in Tacoma, WA in a 100 year old house (this year it turned 100) and they love it to death.  We helped them furnish some of it and put some period pieces in it that they wanted.  Meagan has done a fabulous job restoring it herself and just this past summer painted the entire outside of the house, with scaffolding and all.  Nothing stops this energizer bunny.

 

She's my girl and I'm so proud of her.  She has come such a long way and out of all the rubble a gem has shown through.  She has her quirky moments, but that's what makes her unique.  She is rich in talent, rich in love and has no street smart....lol

 

We use to laugh about that when she was younger.  She can do anything you put in front of her, but she has no street smart.  She's doing better though. 

 

To close this very lengthy post, all I have to say about my oldest, is I love her dearly.  She holds a special spot in my heart as my oldest.  I desperately wanted her, wanted a girl and fought tooth and nail to keep her.  I was only 17 when I had her.  There was no way ANYONE was going to take my baby.  I made sooooo many mistakes with her and if anyone has room to complain about being a bad mother, she does for sure.

 

 

But, I love her to pieces and more importantly, I respect her!

 

I am Debbie and I was here....

 

Asking for forgiveness isn't suppose to be easy!

Asking for forgiveness isn't suppose to be easy!

 

As you know, I wrote to my daughter, Mallory and now I'm having second thoughts about doing so.  I'm not feeling right about it, but in my own justification I was so desperate to find her and talk to her, it was like I couldn't help it.  Do you know the feeling?

 

What confuses me is that yes I have missed her for the past 3 years.  Some days were really hard.  But, lately I've been having horrible nightmares about her and Sophie and my mind isn't at peace.  My heart is at an uproar again and this fierce mama lion has most likely gone to far.

 

I take all the blame, it's all my fault, but when do I get a chance to rectify any of it.  When do people realize that people are just that...people and we all make mistakes.  Yes, I admit it....I've made more than my share.  I've had a pretty screwed up life, BUT I could of made it better by reacting to it differently.  

 

We are all in control of our own lives and I've pretty much screwed up mind royally.  I must have, or why else would one of my own children talk such horrible things to me and then walk away.  

 

I've thought long and hard about those words she said to me...."You were never my mother", "You abused me", "You neglected me", etc.  They all play like a bad rerun in my head and I wish they would stop.  I play over and over those years being her mother while she was at home and those times when she wasn't at home and I can make some sense out of it, but most of it is a big gigantic blur.

 

For instance, abuse....abuse to me is beating a child, starving a child, emotionally abusive.  Neglect to me is.....never paying any attention to the child.  Never making sure they shower, wash their hair or brush their teeth.  Never feeding them or doing things with them or for them.  The final blow...."You were never my mother"....is the bomb...the atom bomb.  

 

I can say that about my adopted Mother...she was never my mother because biological she wasn't.  But, if she was my natural mother, she still wouldn't of been a mother.  She was in the true sense of the word abusive, sexually that is.  She was neglectful...it was my job to take care of my younger brother and cook and clean all starting at the tender age of 9.

 

She physically abused me as well.  I'll never forget the beatings, being spun around the room by my long beautiful hair.  Living in thilth was abusive, not to mention a health hazard.  I would lie awake at nights praying there wouldn't be a fire because I knew that I would be trapped and there would be no way for me to escape.  That fear still resides with me to this day.  Horrors from my childhood, I can never escape, but I've learned to let them live on in me as long as they stay in that special compartment in my head.  I don't allow them to affect my life anymore, it's just to damaging to myself and to people I love.  It's just down right destructive.

 

So, did I do all of that to Mallory?  I can't even fathom doing those things to one of my children.  Did I make mistakes, 100% I did.  But, what mother doesn't.  This is no excuse, because I'm no longer about making excuses for myself, but I was a young mother. A very young mother and I wasn't skilled or mature enough to be raising a family.  I DID THE VERY BEST THAT I COULD and with Mallory I thought I finally had it right.

 

I guess I didn't.  This makes me very sad.  Sad that I let her down.  Sad that she feels those horrible things about me.  Sad that she believes them, because in her world what she believes in is her own reality and I need to make amends for that, or do I?

 

Do I apologize for things I don't feel I did was wrong, just to get her back?  No, I won't do that.  But, I will apologize and admit that in her later years 12+ I was not a good mother to her at all.  

 

That sweet precious child, had done nothing wrong and she saw me live my life as if it was going down the sewer and I did nothing to stop it.  The worst part was I was taking her down with me.  I'm so thankful for her strong will that wouldn't allow me to do that to her. 

 

I will mention the things she saw, the things she heard and witnessed the very arrest of her own mother.  Those things were horrible, horrible to be done to her.  No child should witness their own mother being arrested for stealing.   

 

Those were very dark years for me.  Going from man to man, drinking and living a lie even I couldn't keep up with.  I was my own wrecking ball and I was doing a pretty good job at ruining my life and hers.

 

The best thing I did for her was put her on a plane back to her father, but it was also the hardest for me as well.  Why?  Because I had no one to take care of me.  I had to be on my own, there was nobody there to pick me up, tell me to take my meds or anything like that.  I had to grow up and take responsibility for myself for the very first time in my life and did I do it.  No, no I didn't.

 

I was a great pretender at being a successful adult, but those that knew me well and loved me watched me continue to spiral downhill quickly.  I struggled for many years this way and maybe it was my own punishment to myself for not giving myself or my children a better life.

 

I didn't have to lie down and die.  Why?  Why should I have let him win?  Why couldn't I take responsibility for my own actions and own up to them.  Why, because I was a coward.  A big, lonely, scared coward.

 

How did it all get better.  Certainly therapy didn't do it.  I've had decades of therapy to the point where I can have a degree in therapy and never have gone to school, it's so sad.  What woke me up was one day I woke up and there was nobody around me.  Nobody.  Everyone had left.  Everyone.  It was all up to me now.  Time to pull on my big girl pants.  Time to stop complaining and relying on others to supply my entertainment and happiness.  

 

It's taken me years and years, but I am so happy I went through all that mud, sometimes so thick I couldn't even walk.  Because, I sit here before you now at 12:33am so proud of myself for what I've been able to accomplish just in the past 2 years.  

 

As you know, I've been plagued hard with medical hardships and that in itself has been a challenge not to drown back to "poor me".  There were some very, very bad days.  Shots in my back, shots in my groin, shots in my hip, just to keep me walking somewhat normally.  Years of handicap stickers, wheelchairs and walkers.  All gone now.  2 years on pain medication and let me tell you how very hard it was coming off of those were.  How can you not become dependent on a medication when you've been taking it for so long? 

 

My migraines are now under control, thanks to the botox injections I get in my head.  Yep, all 33 shots in all.  But it's worth it, so I'm not in bed 2 weeks out of a month with migraines.

 

My thyroid gets weaker and weaker, but we just add more dosage to my medicine.  My psych meds are stable and doing their job.  We are even now talking about reducing meds, which is a HUGE thing in my life.  For a long time, I was totally reliant on those as well.  Often times, over medicating myself just to let the day slip away from all the pain I was carrying.  The pain in myself from my own life and the pain I was carrying from when I hurt those that are most precious to me.

 

I am now a successful business woman, who with a store today called me and ordered 7 more wreaths.  I can't tell you how justifying that is...How remarkable that is....How totally proud of myself I am....

 

I have said for way to long, I am disabled and I can't work, but guess what.  I'm not disabled.  I'm able to work, love working and grateful my body is able to keep up with me and all my daily tasks.  

 

In a whole, my life is whole....except you know that one last part....The third part of my heart is missing.  Will I ever see or hear from her again....truthfully, I don't think so.  

 

So, in those times of great sorrow and despair I sit at my beautiful baby grand piano and play until my hands hurt.  I play and play and play.  Thankfully, Victor never tells me to stop and he actually loves hearing me play.  I'm grateful for that.

 

In closing, if I could say just one thing to my daughter and know that she hears/reads it, I would say this......I LOVE YOU!  It doesn't get any more clear than that.  

 

I am Debbie and I was here.

 

 

 

 

Semper Fidelis

(Ha, Ha, I spelled it right)

 

 

 

 

The Marine Corp theme....Always Faithful. The Few. The Proud. The Marines.....My Son!

 

My son grew up in the 80's and early 90's and whether it was fate or horrible parenting, we bought our first Nintendo while he was young. 

 

That soon became a menace and he still LOVES his video games, always a kid at heart.  He aims now towards the shoot-em up kind, which doesn't surprise me based on his long history with the Marine Corp.

 

He's been a Marine (don't quote me on time) about 8 years and is a Staff Sergeant.  Stationed at Camp Pendleton his whole career.  He's done two tours, one in Iraq and the last one in Afghanistan. 

 

Needless to say this mother couldn't be prouder of this fine young man!  He has found a great love in the Marine Corp and I'm not sure if he's going to go career or not, but he's had trials and truly moments of greatness that will last him a lifetime. 

 

From a normal little boy, throwing rocks at sliding glass door and breaking one of them, to being a boy scout, to barely graduating (due to a bitter divorce between his father and I), he has made his life strong, powerful, loving, mature and he makes such wise choices.

 

He still has his love of playtime and he is the most remarkable father I've ever seen.  My granddaughter Emma is a joy, solid grounded little girl and it's been due to my son and his wife's efforts at raising her to be so.  She has manners, which is so rare these days and she's so funny and knows it.

 

She's a mix of girly girl and tom boy, which in my book is a great combination.  She'll wear a dress, but sport those cowboy boots like their the only shoes she has.  I love her dearly!

 

My son is a treasure, a rare gem that you don't find very often.  He loves with his entire being and he is so good to me.  Loves me and respects me.  He doesn't necessarily like my decisions, but he loves me just the same.  That's a rare trait and I appreciate it just like I do his decisions.

 

Just a HUGE side note:  Where we are staying I'm watching TV and my all time favorite TV show of all time is on.....Daniel Boone.  I LOVE IT!  Ok, back to Brian

 

This will give you some idea of the good nature my son is.  When I was in labor with him, he was 3 weeks late.  He was my only birth that went all natural, no pain and pretty short lived.  At least, that's how I remember it.  He ended up being 10# 23" long and when we left the hospital he was already wearing 3 month size clothing.

 

While he was a toddler, he loved mimicking everything I was doing.  My most favorite memory of him as a toddler was I was cleaning the outside windows and door.  It had those outer panes in them and so it was tedious work. 

 

I was cleaning the door with the painful panes and as I looked up, there was Brian about 18 months, inside the apartment cleaning the inside of the glass with his blanket.  I'll never forget that image and experience as long as I live.  It touched my heart so much.  This was the start of kindness, loving nature.

 

As he grew up in his 5-10 years, proved to be not so loving, but that's a boy for you.  He was innocent and he meant to do good and he really didn't do anything wrong per se.  He was just being a boy.  A part of my heart was stolen the day that sweet boy was born and nobody can take his place.  Call it favoritism, but I call it a special bond between a mother and her son.  I only have one son and I treasure him.

 

I was so proud of him the day he graduated from high school, the day he graduated from boot camp and the day he became a father.  Such milestones in his life that I'm sure he will never forget, at least I hope so. 

 

Isn't that what's life is all about...those milestones we make along the way.  The experiences that chip away the roughness of the stone that build a person.  As I will paraphrase one of my favorite stories about a sculpture, he was a famous sculpture and he chipped and chiseled his stone night and day.  He produced a statue, but really wasn't happy with it.  His friends and family loved it and marveled at it's beauty.  One wise person said that it's not the statue that's the marvel, it's that gem within the stone was always there. You just had to chip away the pieces to find the gem within the rock.

 

I hope I got that message across correctly.  In all of us, my son included, we are all pieces of stone and we all have pure gems inside.  Some of us chip away the pieces much sooner than others and others never chip away the rough edges.  My son, has found his gem, early in his life.  What a wonderful gift. I would like to say I was involved in that, but only in his very early years.  He's done the majority of it all by himself and that is a strong trait to have. 

 

I hope he knows that he should be proud of himself, because pride in yourself isn't selfish or being prude.  It's showing maturity and acceptance that you have come through some pretty rough patches and you are now an outstanding citizen of these crazy United States.  May I add, these crazy United States that he honors and loves dearly.

 

His life is barely begun and he has a long life ahead of him and I am so proud of him.  I love him beyond his years and I hope he knows that.  I hope he knows that he can always call on me day or night in time of need or want.  Right now I may not have much to give monetarily, but my heart is his and so is my soul. 

 

Brian, I love you!

 

I am Debbie and I was here....

Hard, Cold, Bathroom floor

Hard, cold, bathroom floor

 

Have you ever sat on a hard, cold, bathroom floor for a long period of time?  It gets hard doesn't it.

 

Without divulging where I am at the moment or why I'm here all you need to know at 3:37am is I am sitting on a very hard bathroom floor. 

 

It's the only place for me to be right now.  Victor is sleeping and typing and having the light on on the computer keeps him awake and he needs to sleep.  So, off I came to the bathroom.

 

I thought about bringing a pillow with me, but felt that was kind of gross, even if this floor does look super clean.  For a hotel, it's really clean. Probably because it's only a year old.

 

--------------------------------

 

Well, I made a move I promised myself I wouldn't make.  I sent Mallory an e-mail.  Yep, I sure did.  One of the last talks we had, which wasn't a talk, but her yelling insanities at me, I promised I would never contact her again.

 

But, I ask you as a mother, many of you mother's of many children (I only have 3), how do you let one of them go?  How do you stop worrying, stop loving, stop missing them.  There were days I felt like I wouldn't survive the day without hearing her voice.  Then there were days and days that would go on and I wouldn't think of her at all.

 

My hope is that she will have matured enough to have realized that no matter your age or circumstance you will always need your mother.  Over the course of the last 3 years I sure have learned a lot and there are a million things I would change and certainly never do again.

 

I never allowed Mallory to be an adult.  I never allowed her to walk on her own and fall.  She fell a few times, like sleeping in her car (a few times), but overall I was overly protective, demanding, condescending and told her how to do it all.  But you see, in my own mind I didn't feel like I was doing any of that.  I felt like I was just loving her way to much, and in a sense I was, but in all the wrong ways.

 

We were at one time best friends and I'm not so sure that works out with mothers and daughters.  I think that only works when both parties are willing and want it as well. 

 

I'm not going to take all the blame for this one, but I take quite a bit of it.  Mallory can be very difficult to deal with, downright obstinate and will just flat out not even budge. 

 

One of her most endearing features is just that ability, she is true to herself, no matter the consequences.  It's also to her detriment  because she blocks out love and people who love her and want to help and care for her.

 

Maybe in a sense, she is trying to say to the world...."I can do this all by myself and don't need all you messed up people"  What's she's missing is that yes, that is possible, but everyone needs to be loved and not just by one person.  If you are successful in your life, than that is music to a mother's ear, it lessens the stress of worrying if they are ok.  It makes you proud of them and who doesn't want to make people proud of them!  What a great feeling to have!

 

I love my daughter, Mallory so much and her daughter as well.  I miss having them in my life each and every day.  Sometimes when I play the piano and play the songs the kids liked for me to play, I can hear Mallory singing in the background doing one of her silly dances.  I can see Sophie enjoying the same music. 

Oh, how I long for the day when I can get them on a plane or get myself on a plane and travel to where they are and embrace them like I've never known them.  Making up for lost years and spoiling Sophie to death!  Those are the things I hope for, those are the things I pray for.

I now need to get off of this hard, cold bathroom floor.  It's playing havoc on my arthritis.  If you ever find yourself on your hard, cold bathroom floor I hope it's not in some hotel room, somewhere in the USA, can't sleep because I pissed off my husband.

Good night Mallory and Sophie!  I love you both more than you'll ever knowl