No Control

Part 2

Each day that passes I feel my control go looser and looser. I told Mallory via myspace a few days ago that I would back off, but I still have that gut wrenching feeling that I need to reach out to her.

I know have her address and her phone number, but I'm holding onto it for now. I'm pretty sure the information is correct as well, but it could be wrong and I could of end up back to square one.

I have to figure out the right timing for this and I don't feel now is it, but how did I let my daughter get control over me, rule my life and tell me when and how I can be in her and Sophie's Life.  That's not what "normal" grown-ups do in today's society.

Did I really fail her that badly?  In some areas yes, but mostly overall not!  At least I know that one in my heart and mind.  My mind is as whole as it's been in my whole life.  For instance:

I found out about a week ago that my Mom is in stage 4 renal failure and she refuses dialysis and a transplant.  When I looked it up on the internet I was shaken to the ground at the pain this poor woman will go through if she doesn't take something.  People who don't live the rest of their life miserable and in extreme pain.  I wronged her 2 years ago and stopped speaking to her.  About a week ago I called her asking for forgiveness for my actions.  Then she tells me she has stage 4 renal failure.

If I had been having episodes and falling apart at such news, yes I would of been back to the beginning where no progress was made. She was gracious to accept my apology and we pick up were we left off, loving each other and cherishing each other.  Because we never know how much longer we have with that person.

I wish Mallory was grown-up enough to realize that people do make mistakes and some of them aren't there fault. But, as long as that person apologizes remorsefully, then that person has a responsibility to at least give them a chance.

So, I still have no control, until I'm willing to make it my choice, then I'm ok with that.  

My advice to you, if there is someone in your life, doesn't have to be a relative, it could be your neighbor, a child, a friend or anyone else.  Make your peace with them TODAY! Do not let another day goes by, as in my case I now have 1 year left with my Mother and that saddens me of all the years we have lost to angry hearts. Your reconciliation will be beneficial for both of you and if you make the 1st step, good for you! You've begun the healing process by that one little phone call. It will not seem like it, but trust me, it is the first, not the last. It will take time, but what else to you have to do.  Keep the faith and say lots of prayers for people in my shoes.  Thank You!

I am Debbie and I was here.....