Caught ya......

Yep, 2:10am and I'm up with a migraine to beat all migraines.  I warned you I'd be back up and you thought you were going to get to sleep....lol

Too many things keep me up at night.  Lately, it's my littlest and bravest grandson, Gabe.  Gabe was one of those valiant warriors who came to earth, lived a tiny life and valiantly returned with honor.  At the time of Gabe's death I went through a deeply empowering spiritual experience only need mention in sacred places.  

However, what I will say is Gabe changed my life.  That tiny, little body all hooked up to tubes, monitors, alarms and beeps crackling in the night was here for only one purpose, well, I think two (but who listens to me) and he magnificently conquered his goal.

It brought great peace into my life, amongst the grief was a sense of happiness that he wasn't in pain any longer and that I knew where he was was far much better.  I smile at every rainbow as he calls down to say "Hi Grandma".  I see him within God's Rays as he watches over other little children in need.  I see him sometimes peeking around the corner, even when I'm not looking (no, I'm not senile.  I am 50, but still quite young). 

I never saw Gabe in person, but I don't believe you have to see and be with a person to get to know them and love them. God takes care of that for you.  I such peace in knowing I will get to see him one day and to know him and Grandpa are fishing together or going to the Zoo at Point Defiance.  

My grief and sadness comes from my youngest daughter, Mallory.  That child never stopped for anything, not even when I was pregnant with her.  Constantly moving and never has stopped I suppose to this day.  You ask..."I suppose".  Yep, she has not talked to me in over 3 years now.  I don't know where she is, if she is ok, if Sophie (My other 5 year old granddaughter) is ok and healthy.  Mallory has always been independent, argumentative, high spirited and a royal pain in the you know where.  But, all in all I'd never send her away and I love her so much it hurts.  

Our relationship went sour after she had Sophie and that's a story for another day, but needs mentioning because it's why I never went and saw Gabe.  I flew out to Portland to be with her and the new baby and let's just say her boyfriend didn't like the company.  The extremely short version is my luggage was left out in the hospital lobby and I was barred from the hospital (no, I didn't cause a scene) and told I could not see my granddaughter, who at that time had not been born.

I huddled up in a hotel about 2 miles from the hospital for 3 days hoping that she would call and change her mind, but no such call came and my long-awaited grandma dreams were shattered.  I flew home to Columbus looking and feeling like there was a coffin in the bottom of the aircraft.  I literally died and haven't been the same since.  That scared me so deeply that only really Victor knows as he was allowed at the gate when I got off the airplane I was so bad.  I managed to walk to few steps off the plane and then collapsed.  Little did I know that Victor would be there and there he was right there to pick me up and take me home.  One of his most shining moments.

After that she wouldn't talk to me for many months.  Then finally Sophie got terminally ill, another story.  So, back and forth we communicated and we finally were talking and then I got to make that trip to go and see Sophie and what a wonderful trip that was.  

Well, Mallory was spoiled and doesn't know the word "NO".  I'm totally at fault here for giving her everything she asked for, demanded, screamed about and just downright told me to do.  She was my last, a bit wore out (no excuse), and giving in was much easier.  That made a tyrant, a beautiful one though.

I don't remember what happened, but she stopped speaking to me again and hadn't heard from her in over a year.  Then she called me out of the blue and told me she needed to talk to me and no one else could help her but me.  She had told me she had Gabe, but he was deathly ill and they needed medical information.  Yep, that's all I was good for was medical information.  I gave her what I knew, but that didn't solve Gabe's case.  During Gabe's illness we talked more and more and I tried just being a neutral friend and not rock the boat.  During one time a few months before Gabe died I asked her if I could come out (being very leary) and she said no, they were fine.  So, as it go closer to knowing Gabe was leaving I asked again and this time she said she had to ask Howard, Gabe's Dad.  She got back to me with several conditions.  

1.  I had to stay at a hotel (not an unreasonable request)

2.  I couldn't be there at there house while Gabe was dying, only at the hospital and then after he was dead

3.  I couldn't be left alone with Gabe

Now, someone PLEASE tell me, after the Sophie case (which you haven't heard the whole story), would you still have gone.  Really?  Well, sorry, call me bad Grandma of the year or Mother of the year, but I was not going to spend a lot of money to go for a weekend to see my grandson once in a hospital bed and then once he was dead.  I couldn't do it emotionally.  I just wouldn't allow myself to go there again, especially after how my heart broke after being denied Sophie.

Now, keep in mind I was the only one allowed to do this.  She doesn't talk to any of her other relatives either, not even her siblings.  But, I did do my part.  I made Gabe a rag quilt right after I found out about him, then after we left us I sent Mallory to a children's boutique to buy Gabe's burial clothes and Sophie a new dress because they were going to have family pictures made before he died.  Then I paid for the frame for the picture.

Maybe, I was wrong, but I stand my ground.  Gabe's not upset with me.  I still see him, hear him, laugh with him and enjoy him all in my dreams, when I'm asleep that is.  

Boy, I sure have rambled on....I guess I'll end that with telling you that it's ok to follow your heart.  It's ok to protect it, to nurture it, to shield it from pain, but also be able to allow in the sun, allow in the happy times and allow yourself time to heal, grow and love yet again.  As for Mallory, I don't expect the phone will ring anytime, but I place her in God's graceful hands and hope she is safe and that most of all, Sophie is safe, healthy and happy.

This is Debbie and I was here....