See that girl on the right hand side, yep that one smiling at you.  Is that a fake smile or a real smile?  Look hard and think about it.  I'll get back to it.

My blog you're about to enter is a deep world where thoughts get lost amongst the dust.  Where sirens go off at a moments notice, where sometimes my only friend is the silence.  Thoughts so deep it would drown you and moments so gay it would surprise someone to see me, yes me, laughing for joy.

I make no remarkable claims to fame, it's just me after all.  Born on a hot August day back in 1964.  Back when segregation was still in effect, back when the country was still suffering their dear loss of President J.F.K.  Back when it was OK to be a "Housewife", where an apron and have milk and cookies waiting on the table for you when you get home.  If that's the type of home you had, I'm thrilled for you, not really....because that's not the type of home I had and I was born then too.  

How is it that life, fate, or even decision brings you to a point in the beginning when you're sitting late at night like I am tonight, and thinking why would I even choose that life.  Why would anyone want to go hungry, go without proper clothes, be abused in ways I will never ever disclose.  Your imagination can't even fathom it, it's that reprehensible.  

I had an experience this afternoon that brought me to this point, my own blog, my own true thoughts and honesty.

As a child we were very poor and the LDS church helped us out year and year. Each year they brought us Thanksgiving dinner and at Christmas time they never failed to bring the newest toys around to two innocent children suffering in a world they didn't belong.  As I stood in the freezing, bitter cold this afternoon in Marysville, OH waiting at the church building for the DI truck to show up with my food order for the week, I was catapulted back to a time I thought I had long since forgotten.

 I brought that food home and as I was unloading the car a wave of grief came over me that I haven't felt in a long time.  I don't know if it was shame, remorse, thankfulness or guilt.  

Why shame you ask?  Maybe because my husband and I have had a good life, he's been unemployed now for 4 months, but poor choices were made and a life savings is gone and with it our self-sufficiency.  Shame because there were people standing in that cold just like me and they deserved my cut far worse than I did.  

Remorse and guilt, and let me add fear; because I never want to feel those same feelings I did when I was young.  I never want to feel helpless, useless, forgotten and only remembered once a week when the truck comes, or wait until the next holiday to know you're thinking of.  I don't want to be POOR again.

I started my life poor, lived it POOR.  Married and we were POOR and we struggled through the tar and mud to make a name for ourselves (I'm speaking of my first husband), we grew up together those tough years of Bishop Storehouse food, food stamps, free housing, doing any and all jobs to support our little family of 4.  The rough times didn't last long and I'm sure this won't either, but it was the gasping breath I had to take today just to walk two steps to get my milk that brought me here today.

I could sit here and say "why me", well, why not....Why Me?  Huh,  haven't I put in my dues.  Haven't I paid my debt?  Haven't I raised my children to be strong, independent, self-providing individuals?  I sure have and I'm damn proud of it as well.  Do I have heartache.  I sure do, just like the neighbor around the corner, just like the lady at the grocery store and just like.....maybe you!

But, the question is where does all this leave me....I don't know.  I'm confused with my thoughts and usually writing helps me sort things out, my it's not working as quickly this time.  Sorry.

But, the lesson I guess I need to learn for today, is...just be in the moment.  Just breathe one deep breath at a time.  Just let that tear come out, don't stop it, let it come and just be in that moment many years ago.  It's ok to go there, but it's not ok to stay there.  

Did today hurt?  Unbelievable, but guess what...I did it all by myself!  It is a cycle in my life that all hard and unmovable things are done by myself and those are lessons just for me, but I want you to know....I do stop and listen.

That smile, on that day was a real fake smile.  Fooled ya, huh?  I had the beginning of screamin food poisoning from my favorite place in the whole wide world in Portland, OR.  I was there for my daughter's wedding and we just got done having our nails done.  Victor and I stopped off at the Portland Temple Grounds and took pictures.  She never has looked so beautiful.  It was also a sad face, masked behind that facade.  Going home always makes me sad, to many painful memories there that still haunt me and give me nightmares.  

Well, I think I'm calm now to stop, but don't be surprised if I'm back here at 3am.  I don't sleep well anymore and there is some deep unsettling going on inside that makes me scared.  

This is Debbie and I was here.....