Where do you draw the line part 2

 

 

 

WHERE DO YOU DRAW THE LINE?

PART 2

 

I don't feel as if I was able to get my real message across correctly in my last post about where do we draw the line, but I'm going to overlook that and go on to another aspect of this subject.

 

As I mentioned our ward was splitting and in our meetings today our ward really didn't split, per se, we just lost a few members and our boundaries changes just slightly.  However, we lost one particular family that my friend Ball is very close to and Ball is having a hard time with where the line was drawn.

 

I explained to Ball that it's just a line, that's all it is and they will remain friends regardless of the line that separates our ward's.  Ball cried.  I had other things on my mind and left Ball to make choices based on Ball's beliefs and not mine and went on to my own issues.

Thus, today's post.

 

I have been having a struggle with my testimony for about a month now, due to a legal issue between our rental property the missionaries were renting and Salt Lake.  I'm not going to go into the details, but the basic part is that the apartment was left in let's say - less than standard condition and a pending lawsuit was filed.  It got very ugly and Salt Lake got involved.  My testimony was shaken rather fast and quickly to the core as the pending law suit of my own church lingered in my mind.  As the weeks passed and no resolution was in sight and tension mounted on both sides, it appeared no compromise was to be resolved.  My husband and I were devastated and subsequently I sent a letter to Salt Lake Headquarters asking for my name to be removed from the records of the church.

 

I asked to be removed from all my callings and stopped going to church and all other promises that I had made.  I was bitter, hurt, angry and couldn't believe my own church was handling such a validated, documented case with such brazen language and attitude.  I was deeply wounded.

 

However, my husband, although, hurt as well in the process continued to strive to do what was right and continued to live according to the will of the Lord.  He did not push me, but led a quiet example.

 

I continued my rebellion, but loving visiting teachers and a loving Stake President, who also is a dear friend and his wife is my visiting teacher, loved me through it. 

 

With the months passing of my husband's unemployment mounting (going on 5 months now), still getting food from our church, the stress in our home was already mounting, now this bombshell hit us out of the blue.

 

I felt lost, and forgotten by a Savior who was suppose to be loving, caring and protective over his children, most especially his daughters.  I didn't understand why this was happening, I couldn't fathom it and I simply couldn't wrap my mind around it.  I sought the wisdom in my visiting teachers and their loving arms walked with me in silent.

 

As a child I learned to play the piano and throughout the years I have had many pianos, but my ultimate dream was to have a baby grand piano and finally that dream came true last Christmas when my husband bought me one for Christmas.  I find the soft melodic music soothing to my troubled soul and this afternoon I was in such a mood I went to my beloved piano and sat and played hymns that I hadn't played in a month or so.  I sat and played page after page and then I came to a song, not a particular favorite of mine, but one that grasped my soul so tight I couldn't breath.  The song was O' God the Eternal Father.  I rarely play Sacrament songs, because to me those are sacred, but for some reason this song bellowed from that piano like I was in a symphony hall and the room lit up and the spirit filled that room like nothing I've ever felt before.  I played it over and over and over again, until I couldn't play it any longer and sobs overcame me.  I was wracked with sobbing for what felt like an hour, but was really 1/2 an hour and I prayed aloud to my Father, asking for forgiveness, praying for comfort, praying for peace, praying for guidance, praying for everything in between.

 

That didn't end though.  The day continued and those sobs kept coming to the surface as I made a few confessions to Victor of some misdeeds I did to him that he didn't know about.  That was gut wrenching, but I did it and it made me feel better. 

 

Didn't stop again.  My heart aches so desperately for my youngest daughter Mallory that I just poured out my soul in anguish and despair in groaning sobbing to my father for her protection, for her to come back to me, for my precious granddaughter Sophie to come back into my life.  Oh, how much I miss them.  Tears.....

 

Well, the ward split meeting was in the evening, so I decided to go with Victor and I went with him and it was a good meeting, full of logistics and nothing major happened to our ward.  I had a chance to visit with the Relief Society President who knew the situation and she was happy to see me there and we are going to be visiting this week, but it felt good to be back in my church again.  Back where I belonged. 

 

I drew a line a month ago.  A fighting line, a line of defense, a line of anger, hatred, a line of bitterness and condemnation to innocent people who had nothing to do with this particular case.  In the end by drawing the line, I only hurt myself.

 

So, my fellow friends, Where do we draw the line?  We draw it with ourselves first.  For me and my line, it's gotten a lot shorter and I feel forgiven for my trespasses and my sins.  I have a small line left, but that's something that will be taken care of in time.  I'm ok with that.

 

Remember, it always starts with us first.  We can give the first punch or the first kiss.  Whichever you choose decides your new line.  I chose the wrong line and lost much, but in the end also gained a lot.  Why?  Because I was open to admitting my error.  I was open to accepting compromise, which is ultimately how the situation resolved itself.  I was open to allowing myself to remember that time I knew that this church is true and I was open to the spirit to speak to me through my music.  My music, my gift from my Daddy, my most treasured gift.

 

Wherever you are in your life, before you make a step across a line, make sure it's the right choice.

 

I am Debbie and I was here.



WHERE DO YOU DRAW THE LINE?

 

I started writing this post with a disclaimer, but then I deleted it and said "NO".  If you don't like what I write or how I feel about something, then shut down your browser. 

 

Tonight, or I should say this morning is the dawn of a new ward development in our ward at Church.  For people not of the Mormon faith, let me briefly tell you what I mean about a "ward". 

 

A "ward" is your home place where you go to church. It is based on your address.  From there you have your "Stake", which is comprised of many "Ward's" within that "Stake's" boundaries.  From there you have districts, areas or whatever, I really don't know and right now it isn't important.

 

So, when a new ward is being developed it is most commonly done because a ward has become so big that it needs to be split, therefore, creating a new one.  Makes, pretty common sense, I'm sure.

 

Well, that is happening to our ward later this morning.  When the news of a ward split breaks out in most Mormon cultures I've been in there is always the rumblings of talks and rumors and speculations.  People get upset and jittery when a ward splits, they don't like it, they don't want it to happen, they don't want to lose friends.

 

Well, here is my lovely uninvited wisdom on this matter.

• People get upset and jittery - yep, but don't we all when change happens.  It's human nature for us to get antsy when things change.  It's that way for everybody.  Nobody is immune to it. 
• They don't like it, they don't want it to happen.  Why not?  Why not change, Why not have it happen?  Later on this....
• They don't want to lose friends - my biggest rant ever will happen right now!!!!
• When a ward splits it does not mean a friendship splits.  If it's a true friendship then the friendship remains.  It doesn't change if your new ward is now two streets over from your friend.  How absolutely stupid this whole part of the Mormon aspect of this is?  I HATE THIS!!!  I see it time and time and time again.  A ward splits and friendships go away.  It never fails.  How stupid are those that do this?  I'm going to stop, because I'm really going to speak my mind and that wouldn't be good.

So, this is going on in my church today and I'm fine with it and change is good, but where do you draw the line?  For the leaders in the church I'm sure it's been a very hard struggle deciding where the lines will be drawn and what the new boundaries will be for the new ward, making that the 3rd ward in my building.

 

Do you go North this way and east that?  Or do you go West this way and then turn South?  Do stop at that old Oak Tree or do you end at the railroad track?  Where do you draw the line?

 

Isn't this the same in life in general.  Where do you draw the line in your own life?  Think about it for a moment.....  I'll give you a minute.

 

You're back, great!  Now, hasn't drawing lines been causing wars and more wars since time began, literally.  The Native American Indians driven from their lands and told to stay in this section of land, where a line had been drawn.  Wars have been fought for  the right to have that part of that piece of dirt over on that line.  People, millions, people...I'm telling you people, millions of people have died over drawing the line.

 

In this entire globe of ours it's all been about lines.  I'm going to ask it again, WHERE DO WE DRAW THE LINE? and Who will do it?  Will it be you?  Probably not, your comfortable in your pajamas reading this crazy ladies blog about nothing really and thinking I'm full of manure.  Will it be your congressman?  Hell, no!  He's to worried about his line at the next ballot box.

 

Will it be our own President of the United States?  Not a chance.  He's trying to worry about other countries lines?  What about God?  Hmmmmmm....Now, I'm walking on sacred territory.  Could He?  Absolutely!  Will He?  No.  Why, because we all have our own free agency to go and do whatever we want to do with our life.

 

There are so many spinoffs of this subject that it can get out of hand and I'll get way off of track than where I wanted, but let me reel myself back in....In religion, at least in my religion we have boundaries that tell us where and when we need to meet for church each Sunday.  I hear alarms going off everywhere!  I know of some who feels this is a total wrong approach to basic religion in the first place.  Let me example this person's opinion and it's not mine, I guarantee you.  You'll know once you've read it.

 

This person I'll call Ball (That way I'm distinguishing between a he or she), believe that people should be able to go into ANY church, temple, synagogue, masque or anywhere else they hold a worship service and walk in a pray.  Period. Plain and simple.  Furthermore, those places of worship should be open 24/7 for everyone to have access to all the time.  Similar to a hospital chapel, such a shame most hospitals don't even have them anymore.

 

Ball thinks that there shouldn't be boundaries telling people when they should meet to worship, that they should be allowed to worship on Sunday whenever they want.  In having a conversation on this topic with Ball I said that there are structures to keep in place, classes to teach, preaches to preach, talks to be given, direction or inspiration given.  Something of a guideline.  Ball disagreed in an outrage.  Ball said you need none of that.  I asked Ball what we do need then and Ball said that we just need to have access to a worship place 24/7 and be able to go when we want, as much as we want. 

 

Ball said there should be no boundaries.  Ball said in the beginning there were no boundaries.  I simply, and rather sarcastically said that it was quite a few years ago.  I said what about teaching your children and receiving enlightenment from the spirit for yourself?  Ball said teach your own children, that's how it was done in Olden days (Ball meant biblical days).  As for us, Ball said read your scriptures and that's all you should need. 

 

Ball said no formal meeting, just this building available for worship with no one to organize and run a building.   A bit unrealistic.  Now you know it wasn't me.

 

But, now I want to go back to why people don't like change.  I think in Ball's case right now Ball is feeling that uneasy feeling of not liking change and Ball is fighting back Ball's feelings.  Mainly because Ball doesn't know how to express it. 

Change is good for all of us, even for poor Ball.  It helps us grow, in the case of a ward split, it gives us an opportunity for new make new friends and to strive to keep the ones we currently have now. 

Change can be a great positive thing in your life if you let it be or it can crush you like you've never felt before.  I've felt the crush of what pushing back change can do to you and I'll tell you it's a heavy burden to carry and I mean it's heavy. 

You don't need to be upset, scared, anger or frightened.  Change is a part of life.  It's like the lines.  If the lines weren't drawn, we wouldn't have such a magnificent country, we wouldn't have beautiful protected parks, our beaches and most beautiful landscapes wouldn't be protected, if the lines hadn't been drawn. 

Life wouldn't be the same without change.  We need change to stay alive.  That's a proven fact, although one I can't find the fact on right now at 3:27am.  Our bodies alone, change millions of times a day and that's miraculous. 

So, embrace change.  Enjoy it.  Draw healthy lines for yourself and your family.  If someone wants to change your line, then observe it, think about it and maybe it's for all the best reasons and you'll just have to figure it out along the way. 

I am Debbie and I was here...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moving On...

 

 

To put it bluntly, my life was a huge, super-duper, massive, world biggest wooden rollercoaster!  It's so true and in order to believe me you would of have had to have been in my mind and shoes for every second for the past 50 years.  So, I suppose you will have to just believe me. You may ask how is that true, nobody could ever could go through so much, I guarantee you just read on...

 

 

This quote sums it all up for me.  My transformation didn't happen overnight for me.  It took million of steps to get to this point I am now in my life.  I have carried baggage with me for so long that I swear it's the reason I know how osteoarthritis and a bad back.

 

For my beloved friends who know me now wouldn't recognize me or probably even like me 20 or 30 years ago.  I was a totally different person.

 

Let out all the emotion you have been bottling up for years, this starts the beginning of your journey

I was self-absorbed, negative, lazy, wasn't a very good friend, held no confidence, lied, cheated and stole.  I lost friends and a husband.  I was false, put on that church going face when out, but doing just the opposite elsewhere. I was a drinker, loved my Kentucky whiskey.  I went to jail.  All of this and so much more.

 

I was a mother, of 3 beautiful children.  All of which have grown into the most successful, happy people I know.  They are my shining moment!  They are not my legacy, as they are there own individuals.  Oftentimes, built by hard times, difficult family times, hard work, struggling through it just like the rest of us.  But, they have glided through the storms of life with grace and humility and I am so proud of them!

 

Remember that quote "Take all the time you need to heal emotionally."  You must give yourself that time.  The first thing you must do is realize your a mess.

Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters!

Your life isn't productive to you or to others you love when you don't allow to give yourself that time to heal.  For me it took decades, but I had to be willing to say...."Wait a minute...Look at you!"  You must truthfully and finally look at yourself in the mirror and have a painful moment of realization.  You can't start those steps without this step.

 

The dark path you must first start on to find the rainbow at the end.

Once those steps are ready to be taken you need to make some concrete promises.  The number one is never go back to those ways, no matter what they may be. They might not be as severe as mine, but for you they are severe and that's all that matters.

 

So, you took the first step, guess what....now you got to walk the walk.  Sorry for the bad language, but it was appropriate.  Now let's go back to the profound statement "Moving on doesn't take a day."

 

BE POSITIVE

 

You must have good walking shoes, good health - let's step aside for a minute.  Good Health:  In order

to take on any quest in life you must have good health.  You need to take in your water (I still struggle with this), you need to get plenty of sleep (never a problem), you need to eat healthy and you need to exercise (I hate this part).  In my health book you also need some form of spirituality, a form of being grounded.  A realization that there is something greater and bigger than you on this universe.

 

In doing this you are letting go of control, which in turn (although seems minor, but it's actually huge) starts to release you from those chains that bind you.  You are taking control over your body.  If you can take control over your body, then you can take control over your mind.  Yes, you can!  I know you can, because......I did.  I'm not a perfect size 6 and I have medical conditions that challenge me, but overall I am healthy.  Be the best healthiest person you can be.

 



Ok, we got our body under control, now the most difficult challenge is our mind.  Don't believe everything your mind tells you.  It lies!  That is why we need spiritual guidance. It doesn't lie, it gives us hope and strength to carry on the path. 

 

Hope towards the end...Can you see it?

Isn't that what we need the most on our path....HOPE!  How can we "...take a lot of little steps to break free from your broken self."  How else can you make it without hope. Don't tell me you need support, because I'll laugh at you. No, no....this is something you must do yourself.  Your loved ones can be there for you, no doubt, but YOU have to do the WORK and don't let me fool you.....It's hard, lonely, painful work.

 

Is there light?  Of course, there's me.  I am your success story.  Let me be your example, even if you don't know me.  Ask me questions, let me be your support, your sponsor if you will.  Add me to your friends list on facebook and let me cheer you along your journey.  I have walked the walk, every little single step and I can recite you each and every step.

 

When I think of God I always thing of my grandson Gabe, who in the rainbow I see!

Be well my friend, and I challenge you to take this step in your life.  You need this now!  It can be done and I promise you a new, exciting life just waiting for you when those steps are done walking.

 

I am Debbie and I was here...





 

 

 

Pain is Great!

 

 

 

Don't you think that statement is right?  No, really, let's think about it.  Pain teaches us so much, that is only if we are willing to learn from it.

 

You have a headache or better yet a migraine.  I speak from experience, so I'm going to use this as my example of pain. 

 

In a headache/migraine you can feel it coming on, if you are in tune with your body.  I can feel it starting to come.  I take medication for migraines, so if I take it upon noticing the onset, then it won't get bad.  But, if I am somewhere where I can't take my medication, I'm looking at 3-4 days of intense, debilitating pain.

 



 

Let's assume you can't take medication.  So, you notice the pain.  One of the first response is stress or tension because you know what's coming.  Ok, this teaches us that we need to learn how to be patient, more steady in our life and in our minds.  It teaches us that we need to be more grounded, more reverant, more calm on the stormy seas of life.  To enjoy those stormy seas like a ride at Disneyland.  To have peace!

 

So, the headache got past the stress and tension, don't worry it happens to me all the time too.  Now what do we do when the pain starts to get really bad.  The one thing we don't do very well, at least most of us....take care of yourself.  Rest, sleep, use ear plugs, use an eye mask.  Drink lots of water, try and keep things quiet and dark.  What does all this represent. 

 

I believe headaches are given to us as a "time out".  I sense of you've been stressing to much, you're working to hard, you have to much heartache or your in trouble financially or with the law.  Whatever it is, your body reacts to those stresses and in some of us it's in a form of a headache/migraine.

 

REST:  Rest is hard when your in intense pain, but do your best to rest in a dark, quiet room.  The dark and quiet is important  because that helps sets the mood for shutting everything out.  It also helps you delve deeply into yourself to focus, breath and calm down to help that headache release itself.

 

SLEEP:  Sleep is the one thing we neglect to give our bodies.  We run here, we run there.  If we are moms, we are constantly running children all over the place. You may work outside the home and then still run your children everywhere.  Women are a mighty, powerful bunch of mighty people and we can conquer anything, even pain. Sometimes, when I am in the throngs of my pain I think of giving birth to my 10 pound baby boy.  That was pain, but a migraine is a different pain, a much different pain.  Anyway, sleep is crucial for your body, especially when you are sick, tired and/or stressed.

 

 

 

EARS PLUGS, EYE MASK:  These are wonderful tools to help us not only break a headache, but to block out life for just a little while.  Ear plugs shut out the world, use these even if you don't have a headache.  Eye mask,  same thing.  You will find your cares and troubles waste away and your energy come back.

 

 

 

So, you didn't learn much about pain yet have you?  No, but you learned about some techniques to arm yourself to you will be prepared to fight off any sickness or stress in your life.

 

Pain teaches us how to be patient, how to learn to be calm, how to ground our life so we won't get sick and in pain.  Pain teaches us to appreciate our bodies and the remarkable gift it gives us when  to heal itself. It teaches us to appreciate that we too need to take time out for ourselves and if we keep going and never stop we receive pain to remind us to stop. 

 

Finally, pain teaches us Perfect Attention Is Needed.  So, in my book.  Pain is good, it teaches us many things.  About here and now and about the heavens and beyond.  You have to be willing to learn from it and not fight it.  Never fight pain, it only makes it worse and you don't want that. 

 

Pain is great!  If you don't think so, then you have a lot to learn and I can help you!

 

I am Debbie and I was here.

Retail Here I come!

One of my passions in life is crafting.  I love it so much I created my own crafting business called Fireflys Crafts.  You can see is here at www.fireflyscrafts.blogspot.com

 

I have been so overwhelmed with compliments about the Deco Mesh wreaths I make that I decided to branch out and try to get them in local Retail stores.  I've received a lot of no's, but today I was finally given a big YES!

 

 

Yep, there is a retail shop called Trading Places over by Giant Eagle Grocery Store just a few minutes from my house who talked with me today and said to bring in my wreaths and we will sign the contract and they will sell them in their store.  I am so excited!!!  Excited isn't even the word to describe my joy in coming this far and having them displayed in a retail store.  

 

I feel pride, a sense of completion, pure happiness and joy that I have the affirmation that yes, my wreaths are beautiful and I do a good job.  That would make anyone feel good!

 

 

So, if you can't find me anywhere and I stop answering my phone, you'll be able to find me in my basement fulfilling orders and keeping the store stocked with new and fresh items for the upcoming holidays and seasons.  

Upcoming are:  Baby Girl and Baby Boy, St. Patrick Day, Easter Cross Wreath, OSU Wreath, a few more Valentine's day wreaths.  I'm excited for all of them!  A little more creativity and I feel relaxed and refreshed.  I love making them, just as much as people enjoy them!

So, congratulations to me!!!!  I need to celebrate somehow....hmm....maybe a Peanut Buster Parfait from Dairy Queen.  I think that will do it just fine.

I am Debbie and I was here....

I love my new look!

I love my new look!

 

Oh, how I love my new blog page.  I've been waiting for it for several days now and alas, I finally have it.

 

Yellow roses are my all time favorite flower and yellow is my favorite color, so this fits me very well.  I love the soft colors, it feels warm and cozy to me and soothes my soul.

 

I hope you enjoy my new look and enjoy reading my blog!  Leave a comment so I know someone is out there!

 

I am Debbie and I was here.....

Three is suppose to be a lucky number

Three is suppose to be a lucky number right....



Mallory 3 months old

Thanks, that's what I thought!  My third child and my last one has been on my mind so much lately that it's becoming to the point it's at now where it's keeping me up.  Yep, haven't even been to bed yet and it's....guess what time?.......2:41am. In fact, I just took my night meds that were suppose to be taken at 10pm, but I never take them at 10pm.  That time doesn't work in with my schedule.

Mallory's Senior Picture

Mallory has been the family rebel, the argumentative one, she loves to debate and unless you're really good, she will knock your socks off.  When she believes in something, she is loyal to the bone.  She is highly opinionated, blunt (can be in a bad way), but her smile will warm your heart any day.
She is dedicated mother who will go to the ends of the earth for her children.  She has sacrificed much for her children and they come first in her life.  Her living child, Sophie who is now 5 is an amazing little girl and I miss her so much.  She would get on the phone and just talk and talk to me until the sunset if I'd let her.  She has the most purest, sweetest voice I've ever heard and hearing "Grandma" came out of her sweet little mouth was the best thing I've ever heard. 

Mallory and Sophie Multnomah Falls

The both have been out of my life for 3 years now.  It was 3 years on Christmas Day and there are a lot of reasons why, some not so appropriate for me to post here, but I will be honest and say I struggled as a mother to all of my three children, but if any of my children has any room to complain at all it would be Meagan.  She was my first, I was a teenager and didn't have a clue what I was doing.  I made a lot of mistakes with her.

Brian I did well with, and then when Mallory came along I was getting tired, she was the last and she got away with everything.  Spoiled down to the bone!  I admit it.  I made wrong turns with Mallory, mistakes I can never take back and times that she will never forget because of choices I made. 

She is the one I feel I owe it all to, but people tell me I don't owe my children anything.  They are the ones in the end who owe us for loving them and raising them.  I'm not so sure which I believe, but I do feel that Mallory got the wrong end of the stick on more than one occasion. 

Me and my three children, Mallory, Brian, Meagan

I am happy sitting here in the middle of the night and proudly say I'm proud of all 3 of my children.  They are all awesome adults, self-providing, have great jobs, great parents and not a burden on society.  I'm hoping some of that is true for Mallory, for she has had some serious set backs financial and had to resort to lesser means just to get by.

Mallory not quite a year old

 

I regret every harmful word I ever said to any of my children, but especially Mallory.  She internalized it more or maybe she was just to young when all the junky stuff and happened.  I became reliant on her when I shouldn't have, times when she needed a mother and I wasn't there for her.  I have let her down more than once.  I wish I could say I was sorry, but she won't allow me that opportunity.

Remember my post about having Bi-Polar?  Remember me saying that family have left me because of it.  Well, Mallory is one of the ones that has used that as an example of why she isn't in my life. 

It angers me some because how does she know how I'm doing, bi-polar ways, if she isn't around me?  How does she know if I'm doing great or I'm really bad and in the hospital all the time.  There's no way for her to know so I feel this is so pointless and hurtful.  Why punish me for things out of my control? Why punish me for things that happened while she was little that I didn't know was going on, had no way of knowing and when I did find out, did everything to get it corrected.

She graduated!

Mallory has accused me of never being a mother to her at all.  That I neglected her, abused her and so  many other horrible things she said to me.  Those words still sting to this day.  Out of the three, she was the one less neglected and she received no abuse from me.  She did experience sexual abuse as a 3 year old from the babysitter, but as soon as that was found out we immediately took her to the doctor and got to the bottom of it.  She was protected.

She was a handful, always talking, laughing, dancing.  She had way to much energy for me and I couldn't keep up with her.  She was my friend, my best friend at times, and now I know that wasn't right.  I mean, it's ok to be friends with your children, but you need to be the parent first  and I wasn't with Mallory. 

So, many mistakes and no chances to amend for them.  I miss my baby!

I am Debbie and I was here.......