Three is suppose to be a lucky number

Three is suppose to be a lucky number right....



Mallory 3 months old

Thanks, that's what I thought!  My third child and my last one has been on my mind so much lately that it's becoming to the point it's at now where it's keeping me up.  Yep, haven't even been to bed yet and it's....guess what time?.......2:41am. In fact, I just took my night meds that were suppose to be taken at 10pm, but I never take them at 10pm.  That time doesn't work in with my schedule.

Mallory's Senior Picture

Mallory has been the family rebel, the argumentative one, she loves to debate and unless you're really good, she will knock your socks off.  When she believes in something, she is loyal to the bone.  She is highly opinionated, blunt (can be in a bad way), but her smile will warm your heart any day.
She is dedicated mother who will go to the ends of the earth for her children.  She has sacrificed much for her children and they come first in her life.  Her living child, Sophie who is now 5 is an amazing little girl and I miss her so much.  She would get on the phone and just talk and talk to me until the sunset if I'd let her.  She has the most purest, sweetest voice I've ever heard and hearing "Grandma" came out of her sweet little mouth was the best thing I've ever heard. 

Mallory and Sophie Multnomah Falls

The both have been out of my life for 3 years now.  It was 3 years on Christmas Day and there are a lot of reasons why, some not so appropriate for me to post here, but I will be honest and say I struggled as a mother to all of my three children, but if any of my children has any room to complain at all it would be Meagan.  She was my first, I was a teenager and didn't have a clue what I was doing.  I made a lot of mistakes with her.

Brian I did well with, and then when Mallory came along I was getting tired, she was the last and she got away with everything.  Spoiled down to the bone!  I admit it.  I made wrong turns with Mallory, mistakes I can never take back and times that she will never forget because of choices I made. 

She is the one I feel I owe it all to, but people tell me I don't owe my children anything.  They are the ones in the end who owe us for loving them and raising them.  I'm not so sure which I believe, but I do feel that Mallory got the wrong end of the stick on more than one occasion. 

Me and my three children, Mallory, Brian, Meagan

I am happy sitting here in the middle of the night and proudly say I'm proud of all 3 of my children.  They are all awesome adults, self-providing, have great jobs, great parents and not a burden on society.  I'm hoping some of that is true for Mallory, for she has had some serious set backs financial and had to resort to lesser means just to get by.

Mallory not quite a year old

 

I regret every harmful word I ever said to any of my children, but especially Mallory.  She internalized it more or maybe she was just to young when all the junky stuff and happened.  I became reliant on her when I shouldn't have, times when she needed a mother and I wasn't there for her.  I have let her down more than once.  I wish I could say I was sorry, but she won't allow me that opportunity.

Remember my post about having Bi-Polar?  Remember me saying that family have left me because of it.  Well, Mallory is one of the ones that has used that as an example of why she isn't in my life. 

It angers me some because how does she know how I'm doing, bi-polar ways, if she isn't around me?  How does she know if I'm doing great or I'm really bad and in the hospital all the time.  There's no way for her to know so I feel this is so pointless and hurtful.  Why punish me for things out of my control? Why punish me for things that happened while she was little that I didn't know was going on, had no way of knowing and when I did find out, did everything to get it corrected.

She graduated!

Mallory has accused me of never being a mother to her at all.  That I neglected her, abused her and so  many other horrible things she said to me.  Those words still sting to this day.  Out of the three, she was the one less neglected and she received no abuse from me.  She did experience sexual abuse as a 3 year old from the babysitter, but as soon as that was found out we immediately took her to the doctor and got to the bottom of it.  She was protected.

She was a handful, always talking, laughing, dancing.  She had way to much energy for me and I couldn't keep up with her.  She was my friend, my best friend at times, and now I know that wasn't right.  I mean, it's ok to be friends with your children, but you need to be the parent first  and I wasn't with Mallory. 

So, many mistakes and no chances to amend for them.  I miss my baby!

I am Debbie and I was here.......