Asking for forgiveness isn't suppose to be easy!

Asking for forgiveness isn't suppose to be easy!

 

As you know, I wrote to my daughter, Mallory and now I'm having second thoughts about doing so.  I'm not feeling right about it, but in my own justification I was so desperate to find her and talk to her, it was like I couldn't help it.  Do you know the feeling?

 

What confuses me is that yes I have missed her for the past 3 years.  Some days were really hard.  But, lately I've been having horrible nightmares about her and Sophie and my mind isn't at peace.  My heart is at an uproar again and this fierce mama lion has most likely gone to far.

 

I take all the blame, it's all my fault, but when do I get a chance to rectify any of it.  When do people realize that people are just that...people and we all make mistakes.  Yes, I admit it....I've made more than my share.  I've had a pretty screwed up life, BUT I could of made it better by reacting to it differently.  

 

We are all in control of our own lives and I've pretty much screwed up mind royally.  I must have, or why else would one of my own children talk such horrible things to me and then walk away.  

 

I've thought long and hard about those words she said to me...."You were never my mother", "You abused me", "You neglected me", etc.  They all play like a bad rerun in my head and I wish they would stop.  I play over and over those years being her mother while she was at home and those times when she wasn't at home and I can make some sense out of it, but most of it is a big gigantic blur.

 

For instance, abuse....abuse to me is beating a child, starving a child, emotionally abusive.  Neglect to me is.....never paying any attention to the child.  Never making sure they shower, wash their hair or brush their teeth.  Never feeding them or doing things with them or for them.  The final blow...."You were never my mother"....is the bomb...the atom bomb.  

 

I can say that about my adopted Mother...she was never my mother because biological she wasn't.  But, if she was my natural mother, she still wouldn't of been a mother.  She was in the true sense of the word abusive, sexually that is.  She was neglectful...it was my job to take care of my younger brother and cook and clean all starting at the tender age of 9.

 

She physically abused me as well.  I'll never forget the beatings, being spun around the room by my long beautiful hair.  Living in thilth was abusive, not to mention a health hazard.  I would lie awake at nights praying there wouldn't be a fire because I knew that I would be trapped and there would be no way for me to escape.  That fear still resides with me to this day.  Horrors from my childhood, I can never escape, but I've learned to let them live on in me as long as they stay in that special compartment in my head.  I don't allow them to affect my life anymore, it's just to damaging to myself and to people I love.  It's just down right destructive.

 

So, did I do all of that to Mallory?  I can't even fathom doing those things to one of my children.  Did I make mistakes, 100% I did.  But, what mother doesn't.  This is no excuse, because I'm no longer about making excuses for myself, but I was a young mother. A very young mother and I wasn't skilled or mature enough to be raising a family.  I DID THE VERY BEST THAT I COULD and with Mallory I thought I finally had it right.

 

I guess I didn't.  This makes me very sad.  Sad that I let her down.  Sad that she feels those horrible things about me.  Sad that she believes them, because in her world what she believes in is her own reality and I need to make amends for that, or do I?

 

Do I apologize for things I don't feel I did was wrong, just to get her back?  No, I won't do that.  But, I will apologize and admit that in her later years 12+ I was not a good mother to her at all.  

 

That sweet precious child, had done nothing wrong and she saw me live my life as if it was going down the sewer and I did nothing to stop it.  The worst part was I was taking her down with me.  I'm so thankful for her strong will that wouldn't allow me to do that to her. 

 

I will mention the things she saw, the things she heard and witnessed the very arrest of her own mother.  Those things were horrible, horrible to be done to her.  No child should witness their own mother being arrested for stealing.   

 

Those were very dark years for me.  Going from man to man, drinking and living a lie even I couldn't keep up with.  I was my own wrecking ball and I was doing a pretty good job at ruining my life and hers.

 

The best thing I did for her was put her on a plane back to her father, but it was also the hardest for me as well.  Why?  Because I had no one to take care of me.  I had to be on my own, there was nobody there to pick me up, tell me to take my meds or anything like that.  I had to grow up and take responsibility for myself for the very first time in my life and did I do it.  No, no I didn't.

 

I was a great pretender at being a successful adult, but those that knew me well and loved me watched me continue to spiral downhill quickly.  I struggled for many years this way and maybe it was my own punishment to myself for not giving myself or my children a better life.

 

I didn't have to lie down and die.  Why?  Why should I have let him win?  Why couldn't I take responsibility for my own actions and own up to them.  Why, because I was a coward.  A big, lonely, scared coward.

 

How did it all get better.  Certainly therapy didn't do it.  I've had decades of therapy to the point where I can have a degree in therapy and never have gone to school, it's so sad.  What woke me up was one day I woke up and there was nobody around me.  Nobody.  Everyone had left.  Everyone.  It was all up to me now.  Time to pull on my big girl pants.  Time to stop complaining and relying on others to supply my entertainment and happiness.  

 

It's taken me years and years, but I am so happy I went through all that mud, sometimes so thick I couldn't even walk.  Because, I sit here before you now at 12:33am so proud of myself for what I've been able to accomplish just in the past 2 years.  

 

As you know, I've been plagued hard with medical hardships and that in itself has been a challenge not to drown back to "poor me".  There were some very, very bad days.  Shots in my back, shots in my groin, shots in my hip, just to keep me walking somewhat normally.  Years of handicap stickers, wheelchairs and walkers.  All gone now.  2 years on pain medication and let me tell you how very hard it was coming off of those were.  How can you not become dependent on a medication when you've been taking it for so long? 

 

My migraines are now under control, thanks to the botox injections I get in my head.  Yep, all 33 shots in all.  But it's worth it, so I'm not in bed 2 weeks out of a month with migraines.

 

My thyroid gets weaker and weaker, but we just add more dosage to my medicine.  My psych meds are stable and doing their job.  We are even now talking about reducing meds, which is a HUGE thing in my life.  For a long time, I was totally reliant on those as well.  Often times, over medicating myself just to let the day slip away from all the pain I was carrying.  The pain in myself from my own life and the pain I was carrying from when I hurt those that are most precious to me.

 

I am now a successful business woman, who with a store today called me and ordered 7 more wreaths.  I can't tell you how justifying that is...How remarkable that is....How totally proud of myself I am....

 

I have said for way to long, I am disabled and I can't work, but guess what.  I'm not disabled.  I'm able to work, love working and grateful my body is able to keep up with me and all my daily tasks.  

 

In a whole, my life is whole....except you know that one last part....The third part of my heart is missing.  Will I ever see or hear from her again....truthfully, I don't think so.  

 

So, in those times of great sorrow and despair I sit at my beautiful baby grand piano and play until my hands hurt.  I play and play and play.  Thankfully, Victor never tells me to stop and he actually loves hearing me play.  I'm grateful for that.

 

In closing, if I could say just one thing to my daughter and know that she hears/reads it, I would say this......I LOVE YOU!  It doesn't get any more clear than that.  

 

I am Debbie and I was here.