No Control

 

NO CONTROL...

 

I have learned in just the last few days that you have no control over anything or anyone else in your life.  The only person you can control is yourself.  I don't like it, in fact, I depise it, but again, there's nothing I can do about it.

I had no control over being put up for adoption...I had no control over being sexually abused as a child....I had no control over when my 1st husband decided to have an affair and destroy our family....I had no control over my oldest daughters decisions....I had no control over my youngest daughters downhill spiral that I learned about yesterday.

Yep, seems the dark side has her under their control and doesn't appear she isn't in control of her own life either.  My heart aches for her greatly, I grieved for her all day and all night, crying my eyes out after what I learned.  Despite all my efforts to make amends and reach out to her, she has chosen a dangerous path and like in everything else....I have no control....

I have seen her give her own control away to men that weren't worthy of her.  I've seen those men/boys destroy her heart and abuse her in ways that makes a mother cringe.  I've watched this child of mine from a far suffer, and suffer and suffer and still refuses my love.  I have no control over that, and furthermore, I don't understand why.  Why won't she let me in?  I am not the monster she thinks I am.  She has been fed these lies for years to the point that she now believes in them and I have no control in changing any of it. 

Her  happiness is all I want and she is not happy.  How can she be in the current circumstances she is under.  My heart just aches and aches for her and all I want to do is put my arms around her and love her.  Not speak a word, just hold her.  But, that won't ever happen because I have no control.

Because I have no control and because I know she is a grown woman able to make her own choices, even if they are dangerous and bad.  I have to let that happen.  I have to allow her to make those mistakes, even if her very life is at risk.  Because I have no control.  I have to sit back and watch my child take herself down a drain and there's only one path and it's down. 

I have no control.....I'm afraid, scared, worried, sad, heartbroken, and I'm the only one on her side.  Her siblings and most certainly her father think differently.  They say she made her bed, now she has to live with the consequences.  I agree with that to an extent, but do I have to watch my own daughter kill herself?  She has burned her bridges with every member in the family that going back to them is probably not possible.  But, not with me.  Never with me.  I'll always be here for her.  My heart will always be open to her and Sophie.  I would do anything and everything to help her, shelter her, take care of her daughter, anything to make her healthy again.  Why?  Why after all the pain she has pushed on me, because I have no control over my deep love for her. 

I am her mother and mother's never give up on their children.  At least, I don't and I won't.  I refuse.  Someday, I WILL get through to her.  Why?  Because I will not give up on her.  I will not.

I have no control, this is true....but I'm not going to let it stop me from saving my daughter.

I am Debbie and I was here...