I wish you knew...

I wish you knew...

 

 

I bet you can tell how I love this words of wisdom that randomly get posted on facebook.  I often relate to so many of them, but this one reminds me of my youngest daughter, Mallory.

 

As you know, my facebook page has been filled with images and video's of Sophie, Mallory's daughter.  I miss her so much and I wonder how a person could deny a grandma such a blessing.  In Mallory's case it's all about power and revenge.  She has a power source in Sophie and she uses her as such a movable pawn to control people in her life.  How then is she better off than I?

 

I don't know how Mallory can deny the extended efforts I have made to help her and then Sophie while she's been an adult.  Has she forgotten all those times, when a mother; such as myself; has truly been there for her with no strings attached.

 

Do I have bad days, yes I do, but so does she. She has caused me great damage, hurt feelings and a lot of anger.  She has been the spoiled one and when a spoiled person doesn't get what she wants, then she throws a major temper tantrum and uses any means possible to get back at the person saying "No".

 

I said that dreadful word "No", finally.  I had helped, helped and helped her so many times that I just couldn't do it any longer.  I was enabling her and she needed to stand on her own two feet.  There was also one other time I didn't help and that was when she lived in her car with my granddaughter, now call that hard..it was downright brutal.  Total gut wrenching, I want to help, please let me help, NO.

 

Mallory is a product of myself and her father and the sooner she realizes that the easier life will get for her.  As experienced and mature adults we can help her in ways she can't help herself, coach her, ease the financial strings by providing things for Sophie. 

 

It feels apparent she wants to do things the hard way.  She has alienated herself from her entire family.  Father, grandmother and her siblings.  I still don't understand why.  Everyone can't be wrong.  It must be her, and until she realizes that we will all be kept in the dark.

 

I hate the dark, I'm afraid of it.  I don't like it when I can't see my way around my darkened world.  I must be my own light, I must stand on my own two feet.  I can do this, I've done it before and I'm doing it now.  But, I still can't see everything.  Things are a mystery to me and I hate surprises or mysteries. 

 

Because of my Bi-Polar I am a very Black/White type of personality.  I have no gray, middle of the road in me at all.  It is or it isn't.  That's why this thing with Mallory is so hard for me, because it's totally gray.  Or, maybe not.  She doesn't want to have anything to do with me, I suppose that's pretty black.

 

I never want to hurt any of my children.  In fact, I go to the other side of the spectrum so I won't hurt them, that I actually do hurt them in the end.  Does that make sense?

 

Going to end...more on Mallory later...

 

I am Debbie and I was here...