Hard, Cold, Bathroom floor

Hard, cold, bathroom floor

 

Have you ever sat on a hard, cold, bathroom floor for a long period of time?  It gets hard doesn't it.

 

Without divulging where I am at the moment or why I'm here all you need to know at 3:37am is I am sitting on a very hard bathroom floor. 

 

It's the only place for me to be right now.  Victor is sleeping and typing and having the light on on the computer keeps him awake and he needs to sleep.  So, off I came to the bathroom.

 

I thought about bringing a pillow with me, but felt that was kind of gross, even if this floor does look super clean.  For a hotel, it's really clean. Probably because it's only a year old.

 

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Well, I made a move I promised myself I wouldn't make.  I sent Mallory an e-mail.  Yep, I sure did.  One of the last talks we had, which wasn't a talk, but her yelling insanities at me, I promised I would never contact her again.

 

But, I ask you as a mother, many of you mother's of many children (I only have 3), how do you let one of them go?  How do you stop worrying, stop loving, stop missing them.  There were days I felt like I wouldn't survive the day without hearing her voice.  Then there were days and days that would go on and I wouldn't think of her at all.

 

My hope is that she will have matured enough to have realized that no matter your age or circumstance you will always need your mother.  Over the course of the last 3 years I sure have learned a lot and there are a million things I would change and certainly never do again.

 

I never allowed Mallory to be an adult.  I never allowed her to walk on her own and fall.  She fell a few times, like sleeping in her car (a few times), but overall I was overly protective, demanding, condescending and told her how to do it all.  But you see, in my own mind I didn't feel like I was doing any of that.  I felt like I was just loving her way to much, and in a sense I was, but in all the wrong ways.

 

We were at one time best friends and I'm not so sure that works out with mothers and daughters.  I think that only works when both parties are willing and want it as well. 

 

I'm not going to take all the blame for this one, but I take quite a bit of it.  Mallory can be very difficult to deal with, downright obstinate and will just flat out not even budge. 

 

One of her most endearing features is just that ability, she is true to herself, no matter the consequences.  It's also to her detriment  because she blocks out love and people who love her and want to help and care for her.

 

Maybe in a sense, she is trying to say to the world...."I can do this all by myself and don't need all you messed up people"  What's she's missing is that yes, that is possible, but everyone needs to be loved and not just by one person.  If you are successful in your life, than that is music to a mother's ear, it lessens the stress of worrying if they are ok.  It makes you proud of them and who doesn't want to make people proud of them!  What a great feeling to have!

 

I love my daughter, Mallory so much and her daughter as well.  I miss having them in my life each and every day.  Sometimes when I play the piano and play the songs the kids liked for me to play, I can hear Mallory singing in the background doing one of her silly dances.  I can see Sophie enjoying the same music. 

Oh, how I long for the day when I can get them on a plane or get myself on a plane and travel to where they are and embrace them like I've never known them.  Making up for lost years and spoiling Sophie to death!  Those are the things I hope for, those are the things I pray for.

I now need to get off of this hard, cold bathroom floor.  It's playing havoc on my arthritis.  If you ever find yourself on your hard, cold bathroom floor I hope it's not in some hotel room, somewhere in the USA, can't sleep because I pissed off my husband.

Good night Mallory and Sophie!  I love you both more than you'll ever knowl