Burning Bridges

 

Burning Bridges

 

 

 

I've been thinking about this saying for several days now and I still don't have a concrete thought in my head on how to write this post.  So bear with me as I try and muddle through this one.  It might be a long one, but I'll try to put in pictures to break up all the white space.

 

To paraphrase the unknown quote, burning a bridge could be considered not a bad thing because it prevents us from going there in the first place. 

 

When I first read that on facebook, I thought, YES, that is totally correct.  But, after thinking about it a few days, I say NO.  That's not correct.

 

In my life, because of my adoption bridges were all I wanted to cross, but what I wasn't prepared for was that certain members of my birth family frequently burned bridges for really no good reasons.  That is my version and my opinion.

 

If I had never crossed those bridges, I never would of met my birth family and had developed fond memories that will last me a lifetime, even if those relationships no longer exist.  Are those bridges burned, some are.  By me, possibly, but I think by both parties. 

 

In adoption, I think there is just to much pain in a reunion, so much to work through, so much work to be done, so many people to get to know and so many emotions running through your head all at the same time it's hard to separate it all.  I can say these things, because I've lived it.

 

Is it worth it?  For me, yes it was.  For you, maybe not.  I can't say for another person if crossing that bridge into the unknown birth family will be worth it for him/her.  I've seen it go bad and then I've seen other's very successful. 

 

At one point, I thought I had it solid.  I had found my place.  I had been accepted, but that didn't turn out to be so true.  I wasn't raised the way my sisters were.  I didn't get to experience growing up with my birth mom like they did.  I grew up with a fake mom, who really wasn't a mom at all. 

 

They didn't have the experiences I had.  We had/have nothing in common, but I thought as adults we could find a common ground, as adults, with children, some the same ages.  For a time, we did it.  We were being a family and I never felt love like I did then. 

 

But, people get misunderstood on both side of the fence.  Rumors are told, lies told and spread, half-truths said and because they didn't know me, of course they believed the things they heard were to be true.  Jealousy ran rampant and I still can't figure out why the favoritism that goes on in that family still goes undenied.

 

It appeared that the whole family couldn't be happy at one time.  That someone always had to be out of the picture and it was usually one of us girls.  Me and my two half-sisters.  I don't think I remember a time when we were all happy together at one time.  Even when I lived in their small town in Kentucky.

 

Did I burn bridges?  Yes, I did.  I will be the first to admit that and the first one to ask for forgiveness.  Why did I burn that bridge?  Plain and simple, it got to be to painful. 

 

For an adoptee the worst thing you can do to that person is abandonment. Rejection is like slicing their throat in two.  The reason, is very clear.  They have been abandoned and rejected once before, usually at birth, and after going through an emotional roller coaster trying to find their birth family they are rejected again, they really aren't to likely to build that bridge back again.  It's to costly. 

 

For me, it cost me a lot.  It cost a lot out of my marriage to my first husband.  The emotional drain was something he never understood and the time and finances I was putting into the effort was a bit to much for him.  It played a factor in losing a dear friend.

 

I'm not saying it's all their fault, because trust me....I played my share of faults in the relationship's as well. I didn't take the time to understand them either.  I didn't take the time to get to know them.  I pushed to hard.  I wanted my family back and I was a complete stranger to them.  For me, they were all I had dreamed of my whole life.

 

I made mistakes.  Big mistakes.  Mistakes, that probably will never be forgiven, but I've tried to ask for forgiveness and that's all I can do, the rest is up to them. 

 

I will say just a few small things about my half-brother, who has and I believe will always be loving toward me.  He was the first who truly accepted me into his home and life as the person I was.  He didn't expect me to be anything other than who I was.  I made mistakes with him as well.  Hurt his reputation, but he still loves me, forgives me and even though our relationship isn't what I wish it was, I know he loves me and I know that I can go to him if I am in need.  I hope he knows the same is true for me as well.  I am always here for him and his beautiful wife and family.

 

As for my birth mother, WOW is all I can say.  I never blamed her for anything as I grew up, but once this last bridge was broken a few years ago, I really began to look back at the stories she told me and have had a difficult time accepting her like I use to. 

 

I wasn't in her shoes, I'll give her that.  It was a different era, 1964. Teenager parents were unheard of and adoption all the craze.  But, I think I now firmly believe she could of tried harder.  She let go of my father to quickly, and I feel she betrayed him.  I won't go into particulars, just to protect my family.

 

Anyway, I struggle with her now.  I haven't spoken to her in a few years and just today tried to reach out to her, but she didn't answer her phone.  I was just going to call and let her know how very sorry I was for the hurt I had caused her two years ago and for the pain in which I caused, even though it was not intended to hurt her in anyway, she took it that way.  I still feel like I need reach out to her at least once more and apologize for so many things.  I hope to reach her soon.

 

To end this post...I just want to say that burning a bridge is never a good idea, like the quote says.  If you burn a bridge, you never know what you may be missing on the other side now or in the future.  The future could be in a day or in 10 years, but at least that bridge is still open. 

 

My lesson:  Don't always agree with what is posted on facebook!

 

I am Debbie and I was here...