I can't breathe
I just woke up with a horrible nightmare about my youngest daughter and I am having a panic attack and cannot breathe. I need help!
Deep breaths.....Deep Breaths......come on Deb you can do this.....
My heart feels heavy, my chest feels tight, no I'm not having a heart attack.
I am in anguish...breath.....I can't catch my breath. The torment is to much to bear. Why am I having this now? Why after all these years I am feeling this?
I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm exhausted. I cry, I pray, I play my piano and nothing soothes my soul.
Is there something wrong? Is it mother's intuition? If it is, I need to find her. Fast......I still can't breathe....I need help....Calm down Deb....you can do this.....
I don't know what I ever did to deserve to be treated in such a manner as she is treating me. I truly don't. The last words she spoke to me were "You only have one daughter now". Meaning, of course, my oldest daughter....breathe.....
She spoke horrible things to me, saying I was never a mother to her, I abused her, I neglected her, I mistreated her and a whole other bunch of ugly things.
None of this is true.....breathe......come on take a deep breath for me....good girl....She was my baby, my last born. If anything she was spoiled rotten. Yes, she was sexually abused by a babysitter, but her father and I did everything humanly possible to rectify the situation and protect her from it so that it never happened again.
I never abused that child, she was never neglected or mistreated. She went through some horrible times with me. Saw things she shouldn't have, that is true. That I was a bad mother, I take that blame. But, as a child I was the best mother I could have been to her....sobs.........
I don't know where she came up with such crazy thoughts. But, my heart is broken into a million pieces and I don't know why now they have broken apart. For the past almost 4 years there has been a huge void and I have missed her terribly, loved her from a far, but now, something must be terribly wrong.
Why now? Someone tell me? Someone help me? breathe.....
I've done some things she has seen that a child shouldn't of seen, for those things I cannot erase or go back and change. For those things I am eternally, deeply, remorsefully sorry. How can she forgive me for those wrongs in her later years in her life?
It's so hard being a parent to an adult child? Have you gone through that? Can you help guide me? breathe....come on deb.....you're going to pass out.....stay with me....
Do you be their friend or their parent? I don't know which. With my oldest two, I try to stay out of their business and I think I do a pretty good job. I love them, they love me and we respect each other's decisions, even though we may not agree with them, we still love one another, deeply.
Oh God, hear me! I need this child in my life. I need her so desperately. Please bring her back to me. I want to her my sweet Sophie's voice again, saying "Hi Grandma". She loved talking to me on the phone and would go on forever and forever. Oh, how I miss that. She's 5 now, what a big girl. Forgotten all about this grandma, I'm sure.
My chest still feels tight......breathe.....
My youngest was the one I wanted. The other two were wanted as well, but were accidents. The youngest, I'm tired of saying youngest, let's names. But, Mallory was planned and wanted so badly. I wanted a girl, so did Meagan. Brian of course, wanted a boy.
When she was born she was idolized by everyone. Meagan took her to show and tell. She was our little angel. As she grew up she started showing signs of her father traits in her, traits that I didn't like, but loved her just as much as the day she was born. She became stubborn, obstinate and hard to deal with at times. She was a train on her own rail, going on her own path.
She was always the one to welcome us home first. She was the one always in the middle wanting to know everything, in those days she was so precious. She still is....
She turned out to be a beautiful young women. Her senior pictures were stunning and her beauty is so deep she could be a model. She has beautiful features, oh how I love her so.
breathe....it's getting better.....
She didn't do well in school, but that really wasn't her fault. Her high school years were a mess and she spent I don't know how many times transferring from high school to high school because of the divorce between her father and I. She seemed to handle it, but maybe she didn't and she never told me how deeply it affected her. The day she graduated the smile on her face showed how deeply proud she was! She did it, she finally made it. I was so proud of her.
My, daughter, Mallory.....I love you! and if you somehow come across this post...come home!
I am Debbie and I was here
Is there something wrong? Is it mother's intuition? If it is, I need to find her. Fast......I still can't breathe....I need help....Calm down Deb....you can do this.....
I don't know what I ever did to deserve to be treated in such a manner as she is treating me. I truly don't. The last words she spoke to me were "You only have one daughter now". Meaning, of course, my oldest daughter....breathe.....
She spoke horrible things to me, saying I was never a mother to her, I abused her, I neglected her, I mistreated her and a whole other bunch of ugly things.
None of this is true.....breathe......come on take a deep breath for me....good girl....She was my baby, my last born. If anything she was spoiled rotten. Yes, she was sexually abused by a babysitter, but her father and I did everything humanly possible to rectify the situation and protect her from it so that it never happened again.
I never abused that child, she was never neglected or mistreated. She went through some horrible times with me. Saw things she shouldn't have, that is true. That I was a bad mother, I take that blame. But, as a child I was the best mother I could have been to her....sobs.........
I don't know where she came up with such crazy thoughts. But, my heart is broken into a million pieces and I don't know why now they have broken apart. For the past almost 4 years there has been a huge void and I have missed her terribly, loved her from a far, but now, something must be terribly wrong.
Why now? Someone tell me? Someone help me? breathe.....
I've done some things she has seen that a child shouldn't of seen, for those things I cannot erase or go back and change. For those things I am eternally, deeply, remorsefully sorry. How can she forgive me for those wrongs in her later years in her life?
It's so hard being a parent to an adult child? Have you gone through that? Can you help guide me? breathe....come on deb.....you're going to pass out.....stay with me....
Do you be their friend or their parent? I don't know which. With my oldest two, I try to stay out of their business and I think I do a pretty good job. I love them, they love me and we respect each other's decisions, even though we may not agree with them, we still love one another, deeply.
Oh God, hear me! I need this child in my life. I need her so desperately. Please bring her back to me. I want to her my sweet Sophie's voice again, saying "Hi Grandma". She loved talking to me on the phone and would go on forever and forever. Oh, how I miss that. She's 5 now, what a big girl. Forgotten all about this grandma, I'm sure.
My chest still feels tight......breathe.....
My youngest was the one I wanted. The other two were wanted as well, but were accidents. The youngest, I'm tired of saying youngest, let's names. But, Mallory was planned and wanted so badly. I wanted a girl, so did Meagan. Brian of course, wanted a boy.
When she was born she was idolized by everyone. Meagan took her to show and tell. She was our little angel. As she grew up she started showing signs of her father traits in her, traits that I didn't like, but loved her just as much as the day she was born. She became stubborn, obstinate and hard to deal with at times. She was a train on her own rail, going on her own path.
She was always the one to welcome us home first. She was the one always in the middle wanting to know everything, in those days she was so precious. She still is....
She turned out to be a beautiful young women. Her senior pictures were stunning and her beauty is so deep she could be a model. She has beautiful features, oh how I love her so.
breathe....it's getting better.....
She didn't do well in school, but that really wasn't her fault. Her high school years were a mess and she spent I don't know how many times transferring from high school to high school because of the divorce between her father and I. She seemed to handle it, but maybe she didn't and she never told me how deeply it affected her. The day she graduated the smile on her face showed how deeply proud she was! She did it, she finally made it. I was so proud of her.
My, daughter, Mallory.....I love you! and if you somehow come across this post...come home!
I am Debbie and I was here
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